Life after loss is a work of art.
It takes decades of creating.
It roars behind the clouds and screams at night in our souls.
It is the most powerful human experience.
And it always lives outside time and space. It is that strong.
It can shift the human experience and take it outside of all the illusions.
But because of its strength we need to be ready for when we get stuck, inside the waiting room. The more years go by, the more advanced the game of life re-entry gets. The more the waiting rooms ahead of us are complex and harder to spot.
They hide inside our successes, our new relationships and our new commitment to life. But how?
I realized something this week that was a little surprising.
As I am working towards the next evolutionary step in my life, I found out I am scared of goodness. I am so used to the struggle.
I am scared of bigness. I am so used to making do with what I have.
I am scared of making it all happen. I’m not used to things working out.
And I discovered my newest waiting room. I named it “keeping my superpowers in hiding” I am afraid of my own abilities. Of my gifts.
And I have been hiding them.
I bet you anything you want, you too have been hiding from your brilliance.
It’s scary to turn on our biggest light and shine it on the world.
It is also scary to go from a surviving grief state to a thriving life experience.
We are used to making things work, whatever is thrown at us.
We are not used to greatness in our days and without struggle.
It just hit me more than ever this week.
Lately, I have been entering a different time in my life.
It’s almost as if I am finally getting to the place where my grief is not a protagonist and as it’s moving away it’s leaving a lot of messy stuff.
For the last ten years I have been working so hard getting my life back on track.
And I did that. I did it very well.
But now that the race back to life is kind of over I wonder who am I without the race. Without the millions of things I had to create so I can keep my sanity.
This letter has no answers. No insights.
Just reflection from me to you.
In the hope that someone out there is also feeling this way.
And reading my inner world will help them validate theirs.
There are so many frontiers after loss. So many.
I got through the first decade. Now on to this one.
Something tells me this one will be even more vulnerable.
As grief is not terrorizing my thoughts anymore.
And I finally have to sit still.
And listen in.
Are you also still hiding your biggest gifts, your light and your greatness?
Lets all come out and play. Play big. I am going to. And I am taking you all with me. (Click to Tweet!)
With so much light,
PS. Here is the blog online.
I am having so much trouble discovering my “super powers” after my divorce (now 5 years out from discovering the double life my ex was living)… I would push myself towards expressing those powers if I only knew what they were. So much soul searching, trying new things, counseling, self-help and inspirational reading… I still have no hint of what direction to head. So discouraged.
This reminds me of my late husband and his combat PTSD which did not rear its ugly head until decades after the trauma… When he was finally at a very good place in his life. The doctors said its because his brain was finally at rest so it had nothing to do but loop back to the trauma and wreck havoc. It was hell on earth. I believe grieving creates a type of PTSD and the same thing happens just when we’re healed and at a very good place in our lives, peaceful.
Just such insight. This really has struck me to reflect on my own experience. If there is a devalued self before loss, it’s hard to see yourself as a higher valued person after loss; seeing yourself worthy of any happiness or potential greatness. Four years into this, I have had to look beyond what I know of whom I am supposed to be, but what I truly am . Death to be blunt, has made me see the value of myself, of everyone, as unique. My late husband couldn’t see his value on this earth. That adds to the deep pain I feel. Luckily, even though I wake up everyday and know my loss is reality; his loss came too soon when he needed time to see his own value, I know somehow I have to find my own light. It’s so much more than what I write here. Am I deserving of more than a constant
struggle to just get by, or a truly great life to shine?
Today’s message really spoke to me. After 11 years I should be able to get on with my life without being afraid. I have done well building a life but recently I have t h e opportunity t o get back to my art and be part of a new exciting program being developed and I just realized I am afraid to shine , afraid to succeed! Why? I feel as if someone has my hands tied I just can’t get back to my art, my talents.