Life after loss is a work of art.
It takes decades of creating.
It roars behind the clouds and screams at night in our souls.
It is the most powerful human experience.
And it always lives outside time and space. It is that strong.
It can shift the human experience and take it outside of all the illusions.
But because of its strength we need to be ready for when we get stuck, inside the waiting room. The more years go by, the more advanced the game of life re-entry gets. The more the waiting rooms ahead of us are complex and harder to spot.
They hide inside our successes, our new relationships and our new commitment to life. But how?
I realized something this week that was a little surprising.
As I am working towards the next evolutionary step in my life, I found out I am scared of goodness. I am so used to the struggle.
I am scared of bigness. I am so used to making do with what I have.
I am scared of making it all happen. I’m not used to things working out.
And I discovered my newest waiting room. I named it “keeping my superpowers in hiding” I am afraid of my own abilities. Of my gifts.
And I have been hiding them.
I bet you anything you want, you too have been hiding from your brilliance.
It’s scary to turn on our biggest light and shine it on the world.
It is also scary to go from a surviving grief state to a thriving life experience.
We are used to making things work, whatever is thrown at us.
We are not used to greatness in our days and without struggle.
It just hit me more than ever this week.
Lately, I have been entering a different time in my life.
It’s almost as if I am finally getting to the place where my grief is not a protagonist and as it’s moving away it’s leaving a lot of messy stuff.
For the last ten years I have been working so hard getting my life back on track.
And I did that. I did it very well.
But now that the race back to life is kind of over I wonder who am I without the race. Without the millions of things I had to create so I can keep my sanity.
This letter has no answers. No insights.
Just reflection from me to you.
In the hope that someone out there is also feeling this way.
And reading my inner world will help them validate theirs.
There are so many frontiers after loss. So many.
I got through the first decade. Now on to this one.
Something tells me this one will be even more vulnerable.
As grief is not terrorizing my thoughts anymore.
And I finally have to sit still.
And listen in.
Are you also still hiding your biggest gifts, your light and your greatness?
With so much light,
PS. Here is the blog online.