My Evening With A Wolf Spider

You know when your life changes forever, at least for me, the only thing I could think about was, “what am I going to do without my husband?” I couldn’t think much further than that. I was in a type of shock that I had never experienced before. I felt like I was in an endless fog that would never lift. When it hit me how much there was to take care of, it was absolutely overwhelming. Of course I…

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Suck the Marrow

Which is worse, to lose someone you love to a long term illness or to lose someone you love unexpectedly?   This morning I woke up to the news that a local five year old little girl, Avery, had passed away from a tumor in her brain on Mother's Day.  I had been following this family on social media for the last several months. This morning the message read, “Avery went to be with Jesus at 5:15pm…

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Close to Death

Have you ever thought about your mortality? I don’t mean the normal “I’m going to die someday.” Everyone thinks about that from time to time. I mean actually sit down and process that you may not be here in 5 minutes. 5 days. 5 weeks. 5 months. 5 years. And because of that realization, you try and focus on what’s important in life. The things people think about, complain about, worry about and…

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Don and I were only married just under 5 years when he died of a heart-attack, smack in the middle of his life, in July, 2011. We never got to start our family. Would we have had children? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably. It was something we talked about often, and something we both wanted to make happen one day. Adoption was one thing we fantasized about. Don loved the idea of helping…

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Wedding Anniversaries and Milkshakes

Columbus Day weekend is always a memory trigger for me, as it’s when Steve and I got married. Tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary. I say is and not “would be” because it is my wedding anniversary dammit, and it always will be. His dying does not mean that day no longer exists for me – that is just silly. I won’t celebrate it in the way we would have had he been alive, but I will remember and…

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Rollercoasters and Breathing

Dear Reader, I promise I do more than just watch animated movies and visit amusement parks.  Even before my husband, Brian, was diagnosed with heart failure due to the cancer treatment he received as a teenager, we liked to take road trips to see new things or visit family and friends.  Once our daughter was born she was taken along for the ride, too. Sometimes that meant trips to see my…

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What is Your Launchpad…to Creating Life After Loss?

Can we live well after loss? Walking alongside T through his cancer treatment and finally his death was the most deeply devastating, heart shattering and painful experience of my life and the boys.  And, it was the most precious, meaningful, experience as well.  Life was simple in the sense that nothing else mattered but time with him.  Moments of simply being.  Soaking up each touch, breathe and…

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My world hangs in mid-air. Things are scattered on the ceiling, on the floor. Nothing is where it used to be. I cannot find anything. Where is that thing that was once my life? Where did it go? My old life and my new life melt together like chocolate in a bowl. They crash into one another and it makes no sense. Happy memories of a beautiful marriage smash my heart into bits. Stockings and…

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5 Comments10 Minutes

Living With Trauma

Many days I wake up with a lot of anxiety. I keep re-living that day, the day I found him. When we broke in, he was in bed. He lived in a studio apartment, so he only had to turn his head to see who was at the door. He saw me but turned around again. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I felt almost like I had bothered his sleep. I approached him anyway, asked him if he was okay. He tried to say…

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Quarters, Dreams, and Chapstick

Here’s a Riddle: What are you left with when your husband drops dead; and there is no warning, no will, no money, nothing you owned, no children, no “estate”, and nothing of monetary value in the crappy little New Jersey apartment you rented together for 7 years? Answer: A bottle of guitar polish, some old chapstick, and a book of dumb State Quarters. I said it was a riddle. I never said it was…

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2 Comments25 Minutes