I Am The Girl Who Was Always Behind

I look for signs of my destiny in my childhood sometimes.  I can’t find any.  Not even a small tiny memory that could indicate the future.  “You must have always been a writer,” people say to me.   And the answer is always, no.  Not only was I not a writer, I didn’t even learn to write and speak English until I was a young adult.  The chances of me getting published were close to zero.  I grew up…

Read More

Find A Way To Write From The Moon

I know this letter matters.  To the person who reads it while sitting alone on the floor.  In bed.  Standing in front of the kitchen sink.  Feeling brutally unseen.  Stuck in a timeless non-validating nature of their life.  I write this for you.  I don’t really care for the person who has been loved by many.  Who lives comfortably and laughs out loud while on the phone with their best friend.  I…

Read More

A Glass Of Malbec And A Piece Of Cheese In My Hand

Last night I cooked a meal with my girls. We did the whole recipe.  You know, found a recipe, went to the grocery store, got all the ingredients and then spent hours cooking and baking.  I also got myself a glass of wine while I was cooking.  Had a piece of cheese.  And it hit me.  Of course I knew what I am about to tell you for some time now, but last night it hit me differently.  Grief took…

Read More

The Three Green Buckets

It is one of the hardest things to do. It took me three years to do it. If it wasn’t for my moving from my house at the time, it may have taken me a lot longer or maybe never. How do we let go of all the personal belongings and clothing of our loved ones who are no longer in this physical world. For the first few weeks I would go in the closet and smell his clothes. After a while they didn’t…

Read More

Create A New Chosen Reality For Yourself

I am not going to lie, I am tired. Moving from one reality to another requires your brain to be going into manual gear 24/7. Nothing is familiar. Everything is new. Even when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night you have to really wake yourself up to find it. No turn inside or outside the house is on default. Everything has to be thought through. Everything is a conscious…

Read More

On My Way

I have been planning for this day for months and it is here. We are on our way from California to Austin, Texas with our dogs, kids and a couple of pillows for the road. We said goodbye to our home and I have to tell you it felt like I was saying goodbye to a person. A person who always provided for me. The house had this unselfish relationship with me. It always gave. And I took it all. I…

Read More

Slowing Down Is A Prayer

Something happens when we find it in our heart to slow down. The right energy catches up with us. Maybe the saying ‘go slow to go fast’ is true. Maybe speed is not human. Maybe it’s the opposite of happiness. A synonym for darkness. Maybe learning how to go fast is easier than learning how to go slow. Lately, I realized that my slower pace produced more. It’s was like slowing everything…

Read More

The Fast Car Called Grief

What started as a new direction towards a better every day life for myself has brought in a completely different identity. I went from driving as fast as I could go to moving almost backwards. Stopping a fast car is one of the most vulnerable and courageous things we could do. Why? Because we have to be ok with not belonging, with not fitting in with our family, friends and neighbors. Being…

Read More

No More Dirt Roads

When someone who has climbed the biggest mountains dies, I can feel the blood in my veins take a pause. When the heart of a warrior stops beating it is felt in us all. This week Doris Day died. I hope she enjoyed her wins and her accomplishments. Because one day this life is over no matter who we are. I used to call the path to the dream a dirt road. And I truly believed it was the only way…

Read More

The Small Bathroom Window

I changed these last few weeks. And it hurt. It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could. Change is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth. It feels wrong. Your whole body is screaming, no more change. No more walking on the edge. No more new things. Go back to the smallness of your room. Oh, how I love my bed. How I love not growing.…

Read More