Read This, Especially If You Are At The Hospital

It was late summer, early fall in 2011. It was about 6:00 am in the morning and there was a really big storm passing the Boston area. Thunder and lighting could be heard throughout the night. I was drifting in and out of sleep when all of a sudden, the room started to spin. I tried to get up and I fell on the floor, feeling very nauseous. The spinning was speeding up. I started to crawl…

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Live. Life. Here. Now. Repeat.

I have spent so many years thinking about loss and trying to get back to life that I never really thought about my own mortality. I know it’s strange. Almost comical. One would think that I would be thinking about it all the time. After all, I write about life and death. Of course my thoughts should go towards mortality and my very own passing. But did you notice something? I write about…

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An Old Bag That Was Left In The Attic

Lately I have been loving life more. I am putting my arms around her, every second of the day. I tell her about my feelings. And never let go. I haven’t felt like this since 2003. Oh I know. I know, it’s been a while. It’s been since the week he was diagnosed. I stopped loving life then. The air was taken from my lungs. The water out of my body. And even though I thought I had found a…

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You Will Always Be Alive

You may ask What does grief have to do with physics? What does it have to do with science? I mean, come on Christina. My heart is broken. Shattered. And you are talking about particles and atoms. Other dimensions. The Universe.   Have you lost your mind? What about the real things? What about the Bible? My lonely nights, sleeping in an empty bed. Did you know I wake up and I don’t want to…

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Is Your Sadness Called Eiffel or Ocean?

I realized lately that we have two different types of sadness. Both are hard. But one of them is deeply hidden. Even for the smartest, most aware and strong people. I guess, especially for them. And because of that, it is the most dangerous one. Finding the source of this kind of sadness can be a very complex endeavor. Most people can’t figure out what makes them deeply sad, for so long.…

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Change Does Not Feel Like Breaking Bread

Change does not feel like breaking bread. Nope. It does not feel like chopping wood either. It is not like swimming. Or running. Or even climbing. Nope none of these. However hard some of them are. Change is so much harder. It feels like learning to walk on water. Learning to fly without wings. It feels like being scared to go out in the dark and having to go out regardless. It’s like…

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You Have To Stop Fixing What Cannot Be Fixed

It comes like a tsunami. It forces itself inside your house. With madness. You run out your front door. When the tsunami ends, your house is destroyed. Your things don’t look like your things anymore. Your bed is not in your bedroom. Your kitchen has no food that can be eaten. You sit and cry on the floor. You say to yourself I can make this work. This is better than trying to find a…

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The Sea Is Empty of You

I wish I could go back. Back to the beach, laughing like drunk fools getting lost in your eyes holding each other as if we were immortal. Like the sea always is mimicking the waves, buzzing with love, mesmerized. The sunset flaming over us, luminous, against your young skin. Stepping on the sand, earth mingling, loving that moment you were here breathing the same air, living all there…

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The Boxing Ring

Some days it’s like your life is inside a boxing ring. You are being thrown around. You can’t get out, or look like you are in pain. Nobody knows what this really feels like. They think you can handle it. But deep down you are hurting. Fantasizing that you are crawling out of the ring. Hiding somewhere so life can’t find you, and throw you around. How long can you stay? Taking the punches.…

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How To Take Off Your Clothes And Claim Your Destiny

All of a sudden, I found myself in a place without the paralyzing fear I had been feeling. It was like oxygen in my lungs. Euphoria. Ecstasy even. Imagine life without fear. Even just imagining this, brings you to a deep breath. Yes. At first it was truly a surprising feeling but I was enjoying it. And spending my days in this place had been awesome. But as you know by now, I love to…

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