No More Dirt Roads

When someone who has climbed the biggest mountains dies, I can feel the blood in my veins take a pause. When the heart of a warrior stops beating it is felt in us all. This week Doris Day died. I hope she enjoyed her wins and her accomplishments. Because one day this life is over no matter who we are. I used to call the path to the dream a dirt road. And I truly believed it was the only way…

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The Small Bathroom Window

I changed these last few weeks. And it hurt. It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could. Change is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth. It feels wrong. Your whole body is screaming, no more change. No more walking on the edge. No more new things. Go back to the smallness of your room. Oh, how I love my bed. How I love not growing.…

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1000 Steps and Counting

No wonder nobody wants to change their life, especially the big things. They require a thousand steps minimum. I am in the midst of selling my house, and it feels like the list of things to do is never ending. Which may actually be a good thing if you think about it. You see when change happens suddenly, it is rarely a good thing. Unless of course you win the lottery. Even having a child…

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The Stand In

It feels as if all of a sudden, nothing is significant. Aside from the people in my life. When I first started to feel this feeling a few weeks ago, it worried me. This new feeling was destroying my world. It was as if I was no longer me. I stopped caring. Whether I would make a living. Have a car I like. Make others proud. Impress. Please. Be liked. Approved.…

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The Stagers

I didn’t know what to expect when two big SUVs pulled in my driveway and 4 women jumped out with bedding, towels and pillows, flowers and pictures. They all smiled at me and said we are here to get your house ready to sell. This was part of our realtor Dana's complimentary services for her home listings. They were the stagers. Universe's angel stagers They started bringing in…

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I Am Starting To Like Myself…

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have it in me. To move fast. To say much. To speak in front of others. To provide. To create. To become every day someone new. We are being asked to do so much. It feels very machinery. Robotic with an AI brain. Almost like a factory of the future. It’s tiring to be human this way. Unless of course you escape in the middle of…

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Never Move On From Love

Someone said to me the other day. Christina, you must have not moved on. You are still writing about your loss. I have to tell you my first response was to shake my head and dismiss it. As it is such an untruth. But soon after, I realized how unfair it is to dismiss it, especially since some people only see the blogs. They have not read Second Firsts and Where Did You Go? And…

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It Took Me 3,652 Days to Find My Own Happiness

I don’t know exactly when it started to happen. But there was a moment in time when things shifted towards more happiness than hopelessness. More joy than resistance. More cheer than angst. More present than past. But It took me a decade to get there. Yes ten whole years. That’s 3,652  days. That’s 87,658 hours. For every one of those days and hours I became my own best friend. I talked…

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Read This, Especially If You Are At The Hospital

It was late summer, early fall in 2011. It was about 6:00 am in the morning and there was a really big storm passing the Boston area. Thunder and lighting could be heard throughout the night. I was drifting in and out of sleep when all of a sudden, the room started to spin. I tried to get up and I fell on the floor, feeling very nauseous. The spinning was speeding up. I started to crawl…

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Live. Life. Here. Now. Repeat.

I have spent so many years thinking about loss and trying to get back to life that I never really thought about my own mortality. I know it’s strange. Almost comical. One would think that I would be thinking about it all the time. After all, I write about life and death. Of course my thoughts should go towards mortality and my very own passing. But did you notice something? I write about…

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