You Didn’t Leave

What if you were free.  To be what you feel To scream out your name.  And jump inside the pain Would you?  Live in it.  Be in it Without fright.  Just you walking in pleight.  With yourself in mind. Would you? Would you do it? If it was true  To live not feeling blue  To conquer the grief  In brief In lift of you  Oh Lord, Your eyes can see me Your heart can hear me You didn’t leave  You just…

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Find Your Lava

I have been seeing a therapist lately.  We are trying to figure out how the heck did I change so much since the loss of my husband. Sometimes I wonder, did someone come in and replace me?  I know it sounds crazy and of course nobody replaced me but it feels like someone else is here, certainly not the woman before.  But here is what I really think.  Devastating emotional pain can change our DNA.…

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Why Don’t You Put Some Makeup On?

I posted a video about the Life Reentry class on facebook the other day and a woman commented under it, why don’t you put some makeup on Christina? At first, I responded casually.  I did have some makeup on, but it's been a long day of zoom calls and work.  And then I started thinking about it.  Hmmm. Did I not look good?  Am I getting old? Maybe I should put on heavier makeup next time so it…

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Endings

It was not like any other day.  Something was in the air.  A heaviness, with no name.  A knowing. A goodbye.  An Ending. A full stop.  And it was known.  Nothing could prevent it. Nothing at all.  It was coming. Like all endings do.  The Ending arrived quietly. Almost like a whisper.  “I am here, and I need to end this.” It murmured.  “But why do you have to be here Ending?” I asked.  “Can’t we…

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The Forbidden Path

I have been trying to write you this letter all day long.  I have so much to tell you that my thoughts are competing for their spot. I have had a hard week.  For many reasons.  And I know you had one too.  I feel like I am inside a maze. Lost.  But here is what I am really struggling with.  There is one path inside the maze that I know is the way out, but I have forbidden myself going there. I…

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My Imaginary Friend

Before Bjarne passed I used to be very social.  Big dinner parties at my house.  Hanging out with many friends.  Phone calls for lengthy conversations.  I always had friends to talk to.  But after the devastation of losing him I experienced what I called a duality.  My inner world changed so dramatically and my outer world could no longer match it.  The difference between what I was experiencing…

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Growing Up in One Afternoon

Sometimes you have to grow up in one afternoon.  Maybe in an hour. 5 minutes, even.  I wonder why we are not given longer. Why does it have to be almost instant.  On the spot. Nailing us to the wall.  What am I talking about?  Conversations, interactions, experiences that were unexpected and gruesome.  Someone saying something to you that hurt like crazy.  Something happening at a family…

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Mother Nature’s Icy Castles

When Mother Nature knocks on your door, you get down on your knees and pray.  You pray for your family, your self, your neighbors, the people around you. You lose all safety, in an instant.  You lose the ground you have been on.  The physical world around you becomes a threat, an enemy and you pray for Mother Nature to stop the storms, the ice, the cold and to cradle you like she did before.…

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Am I Living The Right Life?

What would it take to live the life of your choosing.  Not of your dreams, even.  But of your choice.  And then, when you dare make a different choice, do you wonder if you made the right one? What if the new choice is a choice you can’t take back.  Something you can’t un-choose.   I ask myself, am I living the right life? Did I make the right choices for myself.  For who I am.  For the things I…

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Growing Older

Today is Eric’s 50th birthday.  My second husband’s birthday.  This morning I woke up grateful for him being alive.  Breathing. Moving. Being here to celebrate his 50th year.  For those who don’t know my story my first husband died when he was 35.  Eric’s first wife also died at 35.  For us, getting to 50 is such a blessing.  We celebrate aging.  We scream it from the rooftops.  I am going to…

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