Goodbye Survivor, I Have Work To Do

I first met her after my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Her first words were... you should have been the one dying. It would have been easier. Then she went on to tell me that I would not be able to raise my kids without him, that he was the smart one. He was the strong one. He was the one with a job. He was the one who could do it all. It should have been me with the…

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Loving Again After Loss

Someone asked me the other day on Facebook about my husband, the man I married after my loss. She wasn’t the first one to ask. Many people over the years have asked about him. I mention him in the Second Firsts book a little bit. But over the course of the 8 years I have been writing to you, I hardly ever talk about him. I met him during my second year post loss at the local children’s…

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One Single Thought

I have so many things to tell you today. I wish I could just drop in at your home. Have coffee and chat. Tell you that you will be ok. Tell you that life is hard but it is also very good. Tell you that we will lose so much but with every loss we will find our way again to a new beginning. To a new understanding of what it means to be alive. And what does it mean to be alive? It means to…

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Who Am I Now?

When I dropped off my daughter to college last week, it was as if my whole world was demolishing. All the buildings that made my life, were falling apart. I could even hear the buildings falling. The rubble. When your life is changing there is an audio of the universe moving things around. The maneuvering stops time. Or it feels like it does because our lives are about to take a turn. My…

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The Room Walker

You are one tiny thought away from a completely different life. (Click Here to Tweet!) But we live inside a room with no windows. A room that keeps us thinking this is the only room. There are Infinite rooms. I didn’t really understand this fully until the last couple of years. You see, all of us are capable of occupying many rooms. Some of us can live in many different ones at the same…

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Do Whatever it Takes to Get Through This

“Do whatever you have to, to get through the pain after I am gone.” my husband said to me a few months before he died. “Whatever it takes.” he said. “It doesn’t matter what it is you have to do, if it makes you feel better then do it.” I didn’t always follow his advice but it did help me feel less guilt when my choices after loss were not perfect. When we lose someone we love, it hurts like…

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What is the Meaning of Home After Loss

I have been writing about life after loss for almost 8 years and it just hit me today. After loss, tragic loss especially, the feeling of home is hard to find. You never feel at home again. You move houses. You look for new beginnings but nothing is quite like the home feeling you had before the loss. When you felt like you belonged. When everyone was yours. And you were theirs. I don’t talk…

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The Monkey Bars

It’s not a dance. Or a musical piece. And it’s not a walk on the beach. It’s a bruise. A gasp. A torture. I am talking about life. Not even after loss, just life. I think the first time I realized life was hard was when this girl at my middle school grabbed me from the monkey bars and threw me on the ground. Nobody rushed over to help me up. Nobody told off the girl. Everyone kind of…

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60 Selves and Counting

It has been 12 years. He passed 2:00 am EST on July 21st 2006. If I could count all the selves I have been since that night I would probably count at least 60. The first 4 came in and out really fast. I will tell you about them later on. There were 40 or so the first 3 years. Then 4 every year for the next 2 years, one every 3 months or so. After the first 5 years I evolved a little slower…

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The Blades

I often think about kneeling on the ground to pray. I don’t do it. But I have the feeling of it. It’s hard to be strong all the time. Knowing that nobody can help you. People who are strong, are strong endlessly. I have never met someone who was strong for a few days and then wasn’t. Have you? Once you are strong, you are strong forever. How does strength feel?  It hurts like hell. (Click…

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0 Comments2 Minutes