The Life After Loss Kidnapper

She resides inside new love.  She makes her home within a new memory.  She keeps you up at night after a first date.  And she whispers words of utter destruction.  Especially after laughter.  After fun.  Her name is guilt.  And she ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.  Or so she thinks.  Her hands have hooks inside your ear drums.  When music starts to play, she turns the volume down.  When life…

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The Long Way Home

It has taken me over 13 years to feel a longer lasting sense of happiness.  You might want to yell out but Christina, that’s too long of a journey.  And I will say that is the good side of life after loss.  Not many of us ever make it back to a happy life.  You see, after a traumatic loss when we feel happiness again, it comes in short bursts.  You may have a minute of feeling good. And then back…

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I Wish Time Never Ran Out

I wish I could play music.  Sing like an Opera singer.  Write as if I have lived many lives.  I wish doors opened for me. I wish I was lucky. And much younger when I got my act together.  Smarter.  Good at math.  And I could live long enough to see earth from space.  I wish time never ran out.  Not for me, not for anyone.  I wish I could time travel to the past and experience some of my favorite…

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2 Comments2 Minutes

Without Roller Skates

Life is prickly.  That is where all the stories we tell ourselves come from.  The prickly things.  We tell ourselves so many things after we feel pain.  I caught myself doing that, last night.  It was about someone who wasn’t getting pricked as much as me.   And I noticed my inner story start.  “Some people have it easy.  They don’t work as hard as you and they get ahead, regardless.”  The story…

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You Find Yourself Standing In Front Of A Crossroad

After a loss, you find yourself standing in front of a crossroad. You can’t decide whether to go left or right.  It feels like your feet can’t move.  You second guess yourself.  You ask everyone who is walking by which way they think you should go.  Some, tell you go left.  Others tell you go right.  And some tell you to stay put.  Wait.  Maybe make a decision a year from now.  Or even two.  Just…

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When Nobody Was Watching

The most heartbreaking moments of our lives happen when nobody is watching.  Nobody sees us, then.  These moments are parts of the larger heartbreak.  The whispers of the loud pain.  The experiences we have because of a bigger tragedy.  I want to take you to one of mine.  So then you can take others inside one of yours.  It took place the first few weeks after my husband died.  Late at night just…

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Once Upon A Time, A Day Came That Took Everything From You

Once upon a time, a day came that took everything from you.  And you crumbled at the nothingness.  You stepped inside of it looking to find something to hold on to.  But there was nothing.  Nothing to even put your knees on, so you could kneel and pray.  You searched where you thought the floor should be, but even that was taken from you.  You did the only thing you knew how to do, you closed…

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This Is Not About A Friday Night Drink With A Complete Stranger

I haven’t written much about dating after loss.  Not because I don’t have a lot to say, but because my conversation with you has always been deeper.  More about the complexity of our thoughts and our new identities.  But maybe, we can have a deep conversation about dating also.  And maybe, it’s necessary that dating after loss be a deeper experience than it is. No wonder dating apps don’t align…

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4 Comments5 Minutes

All The Things That Were Meant To Be

I have a very specific vision of myself. Quietly residing inside my mind.  Comparing itself with the current reality I live in, every day.  It narrates all day long. And it keeps pointing me in her direction.  It used to sound like a broken record.  I would ignore it, until recently.  I realized it was my destiny.  You know what I mean.  The voice inside of you that tells you, it’s meant to be…

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5 Comments2 Minutes

You Can Escape Every Prison

I wish we could all run away.  Free. From everything.  When I think of that, I imagine valleys with green grass.  Sun shining.  And us, running.  With our arms extended out our sides.  Like we did when we were kids.  When we tasted the freedom we can’t remember.  But our souls have never forgotten.  This is how we know when we find ourselves inside a prison.  Our young DNA had tasted open spaces.…

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2 Comments2 Minutes