The Deep Sound of Life After Loss

I wish I could play the piano.  If I did I would find a special key for rejection.  And it would sound like a drumming sound.  Piercing through every layer of my heart.  It would be probing.  And lengthy.  It would allow the ears to also know how it feels to be turned down.  I would then look for the key to depression.  Slightly more discerning.  Thin, sharp like a knife.  Searching to find a…

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The Imperfect Self During And After Loss

Who you become while you suffer a loss, is imperfect.  The personality that comes through when you are grieving will make plenty of mistakes.  It will have an ego.  A brutality in your words. A mean streak in your exchanges.  A hatred of your circumstances.  A self dance that hurts in every move.  It is a cruel timeline.  During the time the loss is taking place, the years of caregiving, the…

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Let’s Make Up A Brand New Life

Sometimes, witnessing everyone else’s life can confuse the witnessing of our own.   It can distort our view of our wants and needs.  Observing someone else’s ways can influence ours.  This can be rather alarming, especially when we are not even aware that we have grandfathered someone else’s choices.  How did that happen?  Here is how.  We don’t live in isolation.  We are immersed in other…

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Walking Around With Miles Of Canyon

I don’t think others know.  They can’t see the depth.  The vastness.  It is the shock we feel when we visit the Grand Canyon for the first time.  You can’t imagine it unless you see it.  Grief is the same way.  Words. Photos.  Can’t even begin to describe how big it is.  You and I carry the Grand Canyon inside of us.  It is born when someone we love dies.  The physical world can’t quite grasp the…

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Grief’s Tomorrowland

It is the future that we are afraid of the most, when someone we love dies.  We are afraid of tomorrow.  Tomorrow becomes the most scary monster of all.  You see, grief owns a big mansion inside your tomorrow.  She has three pool houses.  A few gardeners, boats and fancy cars. And is sending you invitations to her big house every day.  She has this smirk on her face while she is inviting you.…

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20 Unconventional Books For Those Who Are Grieving

Let me start by saying the list below is not what you would expect.  I am not a conventional grief expert.  I wrote both of my books Second Firsts and Where Did You Go? seeking to find a voice that resonated with my kind of broken heart.  The kind that needed answers. And a plan.  I could not relate to the words that were shared in traditional grief books.  Words like bereavement. Grief. Widow.…

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1 Comment38 Minutes

How To Cross The Street In 2020 And Other Lessons

I know you want to believe in a better decade.  One that won’t break your heart.  One that will only bring you joy and love.  One that will redefine you.  Bring you good people who understand you.  Possibly a new love or two.  Money. Luck. And less grief.  I want all of this too.  But what if there was a different way to look at the new decade or the new year.  What if there was another way to…

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9 Comments15 Minutes

My Evening With Robert Redford

The ice-cold evening froze my feet as I was making my way to my 7:00pm appointment.  The grass was stiffened with snow bursts on it.  It was chilly.  A December night that sounded quiet as I walked from my hotel room to the spa within the property.  We had never been to Santa Fe New Mexico before.  The hotel was situated just 20 minutes outside the city.  The glacial like air I was breathing in…

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The Visit on December 25th

I am afraid of a thousand things.  Afraid of losing love.  More people.  Moments that will never come back.  Experiences that I will never have again.  I grieve a thousand things every day.  My wiser self wants to go back in time and witness everything from this self.  The me that is here now.  I even want to go back to my very first Holidays in deep grief.  I want to visit with myself and just…

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Nobody Said Anything About The Physical Pain Of Grief

Nobody ever said anything about the physical pain of grief.  The nausea. The breathlessness.  The stiffness of the body.  The ache at the back of the neck.  The panic attacks that feel like a heart attack.  The insomnia.  The cold hands. The dizziness.  For me, grief was always very physical.  And it was the biggest surprise of all.  I knew I would be broken hearted, but I didn’t know my body…

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32 Comments8 Minutes