Close to Death

Have you ever thought about your mortality? I don’t mean the normal “I’m going to die someday.” Everyone thinks about that from time to time. I mean actually sit down and process that you may not be here in 5 minutes. 5 days. 5 weeks. 5 months. 5 years. And because of that realization, you try and focus on what’s important in life. The things people think about, complain about, worry about and…

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0 Comments7 Minutes

The Treasure Chest

A friend asked me the other day. Do I still feel grief when I write these letters to you. And I said yes I feel it. But not in the way most people think. I feel loss deeply. But not just for one person, experience, moment. But many. I write from this infinite place of loss every week. It is a treasure chest. A place where everything lives forever. A place where I feel ageless. Where…

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0 Comments4 Minutes

Advice For New Grievers

It sucks that I know so much about grief, but I figured my knowledge may come in handy for those who just lost someone for the first time ever. I still remember life before a loss, so I know how frightening and lonely those early days, weeks, months and years are. So this is some advice I’d like to pass on to new grievers, you can take what you want this is just stuff I would’ve wanted to know…

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0 Comments16 Minutes

Firsts

We often associate firsts with our children growing up such as first smile, first time sitting up, first words, those anticipated first steps, first day of school, but when you have lost a loved one, you associate firsts differently.   Getting through the first holidays, birthdays, anniversary, etc. The first year after my husband passed away, I was faced with lots of firsts, one right…

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2 Comments5 Minutes

I Believe

I believe in love. I believe that love enriches and empowers and creates and morphs mere humans into magnificent beings. I believe that life dares us and bids us, at our best and our worst, to open our hearts to love. I believe that life challenges us, through strife and perplexity and awkwardness, to continue loving in the face of all that it throws at us. I believe that life entreats us…

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Where You Go

Theres no such thing as Heaven or Hell To me, these are stories for others to sell There is no reason There is no why God didn’t take my husband to die. If it gives you comfort, then you should believe. To me, it’s just words they feed the bereaved. What I feel to be true and what seems to make sense, is a bucket of questions just over the fence. It’s a mixture of science, darkness, and…

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1 Comment4 Minutes

Take a Chance

“Trust me.” I heard the most faint whisper say. “It’s going to be ok. Do it.” “Do what?” I responded. “Take a chance.” the whisper said. “On yourself.” The whisper continued as if it knew my most private thoughts. As if it lived inside my mind, in between the struggle. The doubts. The worry. “But how would I know if it’s the right thing?” I said and shook my head. “You won’t.” And I waited…

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Sometimes I Read All His Texts, Like Last Night.

Sometimes I read all his texts, like last night. It’s interesting because I can still hear his voice and I’m able to decipher what he means, no matter the word count. He could type stuff like a flat ‘No’ and I could still hear the inclination of his pitch while delivering the word. Something you can’t say about everybody in your life. It’s only a selected few that no matter what they say, you…

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0 Comments4 Minutes

Fishes

Don and I were only married just under 5 years when he died of a heart-attack, smack in the middle of his life, in July, 2011. We never got to start our family. Would we have had children? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably. It was something we talked about often, and something we both wanted to make happen one day. Adoption was one thing we fantasized about. Don loved the idea of helping…

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0 Comments9 Minutes

The Visit

It is said that grief lasts forever. In a way it does. It lives inside of you for decades. Silenced by life, awakened by memories. The mind has the ability to bring someone back to life and make them timeless. Immortal. And so it is for me and my girls in our visit to Denmark this week, his home country. And so it is, we brought him back to life, visiting his best friends, his parents,…

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3 Comments3 Minutes