The further away I am from the tragic loss of my husband the simpler life gets for me, not because time heals, but because I know myself better.
It took me years to understand who I was becoming and even when I thought I knew me, there I was changing again.
When your identity is in transition for such a long period of time, it is vital to have some ground rules for yourself.
Therefore these few simple rules should guide you until you get to know yourself better.
Print them and put them on your fridge, in your wallet, have them with you when you go on a first date.
Modify them to meet your needs.
Just as long as you have something along the way that speaks your truth.
- When you know something is not for you, you must walk out.
- When you don’t agree with someone, you must let them know.
- When you see someone needing help, you must help.
- When you don’t love someone enough to stay, you must leave.
- When you never laugh out loud in a relationship, you must question it.
- When someone mistreats you, you must ask yourself why you let them.
- Above all, never ever lie to yourself so you don’t have to do all of the above.
And thats it, make it simple. You have enough complexity to sort through every day. (Click to Tweet!)
I needed this today. I lost my boyfriend just over a year ago and sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything has changed,the walls, how I feel around friends, work etc.
Six years ago my husband died from a long illness. Today, it feels like it was only yesterday that the white Yukon from the funeral home left my driveway and took my love away. So vivid……….I wrestle with fear. I am trying to remove it. I want to go forward and not be afraid. It is so hard. I just re read all of your blogs. They resonate so clearly. You put my heart into words. How do you fight the fear of loss again?
Understanding grief is so important and it is one of those things that nobody is prepared for— my experience is that it takes 18 months to two years for most people to start truly healing after a major wound. It’s not something that goes away like a bad bout of flu… so being patient with yourself and with your grief is key. Let it come out bit by bit and day by day, and when it comes, be still and recognize it. Even say to yourself, “Ah, this is my grief. I recognize it. I feel it. I let it come to me freely…..and I let it go away, too.
When you do it this way, treating “Grief” like an honored guest, letting it have its visit, and then letting it go, you develop the knack of accepting it and releasing it. You come to realize that Grief is an honorable and profound emotion, the natural mate of love, and instead of trying to avoid it or downplay it or ignore it— you let it be.
Grief can be profoundly liberating and the wisdom it can impart is second to none. Don’t cast away it’s unexpected gifts. As Kahlil Gibran observed, grief is what hollows us out and makes us vessels of joy. It’s the rain that comes in the spring.
Thank you Christina.
My sympathies, empathy, and congratulations for your moving forward.
I might be one of the few guys that reads or comments about this.
My comment strikes a nerve because the rules, the impacts of a loss are not gender specific. Women and men both grieve, both become scared and anxious.
Though the loss might be the death of a loved one for some, death comes in many forms: the end of a relationship, the termination or loss of a career or job, fading of dreams.
The best ways to get through the loss and on to the next stages of life are to accept the change and follow the rules especially:
never ever lie to yourself — be who you are to those you know, those you meet, yourself.
I lost the love of life in a sudden tragic motorcycle accident I have felt a loss of myself as well. Timothy was my best friend and his presence in my life blessed me and our boys in every way. I have changed and will never be the same. I use my blog to help me understand myself and found many relate. It is important to know we are not alone.