My Evening With A Wolf Spider

You know when your life changes forever, at least for me, the only thing I could think about was, “what am I going to do without my husband?” I couldn’t think much further than that. I was in a type of shock that I had never experienced before. I felt like I was in an endless fog that would never lift. When it hit me how much there was to take care of, it was absolutely overwhelming. Of course I…

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1 Comment8 Minutes

Suck the Marrow

Which is worse, to lose someone you love to a long term illness or to lose someone you love unexpectedly?   This morning I woke up to the news that a local five year old little girl, Avery, had passed away from a tumor in her brain on Mother's Day.  I had been following this family on social media for the last several months. This morning the message read, “Avery went to be with Jesus at 5:15pm…

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Ridiculously Afraid

I didn’t know that I had to become courageous... forever... after loss. I mistakenly believed that being courageous was only necessary for a couple of years. Maybe three. But every decision and new thought after loss demanded courage. Everything had a dose of fear. I patiently waited for that to change. I thought to myself, the uncharted had to at some point become easier to navigate. I…

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I was 18 when my first girlfriend killed herself - she was also 18. There’s always something very strange about suicide. It’s very traumatic because you can never really override that feeling of someone else can do it. That has trapped me before. I remember I was so mad at myself for not being able to save her life that I threw my bed lamp across the room in frustration the night I found out. And…

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Read the Instructions before Entering

I notice the grizzled beat up train slowing down. I can detect the tremble on the tracks. The weight of time on top of them. The distant platform is approaching undoubtedly. It’s wintry and bitter cold but a luminous day just like the days before today. A sky that is cloudless on a day like this is almost unheard of. I expect thunderstorms and darkness coming as the platform is nearing.…

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2 Comments9 Minutes

Sing Along with Frank

“Well, Marianne, it’s come to this time when we are really so old and our bodies are falling apart and I think I will follow you very soon. Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you reach mine...” wrote Canadian wordsmith Leonard Cohen in the New Yorker this week about his failing health and the love of his life passing away. I am so close behind you...that…

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Let Go of the ‘Good Enough’ Things

Today, we will talk about letting go. Letting go of all the good enough things we carry. We picked up these things because we had to after loss. Countless of them. At first, we carry them because we can and because they are not too heavy to carry. Good things. Ok things. Not so bad things. After a while we get used to carrying them. We go about our life with all these good enough things. Over…

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2 Comments4 Minutes

Life After Life…After Life

Lately I have been wondering about a lot of things. It feels as if I am looking at life from a different lens. How come we find some of the strangest things around us normal? For example, why is it that our earth is in the middle of infinite space and we perceive it as ordinary? Why is it that we sleep at night as if we are completely gone from this dimension and we don’t find it peculiar? And…

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2 Comments6 Minutes

Part Human, Part Something Else

“Who would I be if he hadn’t died?” I often ask myself. What would I be doing today if my life was not broken into thousands of pieces 10 years ago? A husband, a couple of kids, living this life with its normal everyday things. What if he hadn’t died? This parallel universe would not have been here. July 21st (yesterday) was the ten year anniversary since his passing. Ten whole years of a…

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7 Comments5 Minutes

Trust the Unseen

Two nights ago I had a dream, a very peculiar dream. I dreamed of my husband who passed nearly 10 years ago. In the dream I knew he was there, but I could not see him. We were walking together. He told me these words “We have been together in both the physical and the non-physical world.” and the dream ended. I woke up. I wanted to write this letter to you today and I think he would want me to as…

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7 Comments6 Minutes