The Return of Some Things Lost

Before I knew they were called hidden losses, I made my own list. I had carried my late husband's office whiteboard upstairs, and wrote down some of the many things that vanished the day he died. I called it "things we did together." Pup walks on the beach Loving phone calls and text messages Taking care of the yard Making travel memories I would stare at the list – much, much longer than this…

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Living Again

There are certain words you hear or read that describe extreme emotions - things best represented on the movie screen, in novels or in some other grandiose interpretations of life, intentionally exaggerated for entertainment value or to coax a response from those in the audience.  These are words like despair, agony and hopelessness.  I was lucky for much of my life.  These were just words.…

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Losing The Yes But

This is a difficult post to write because it's a tender one. And a happy one. Anyone who has suffered a significant loss, will understand the complication of saying you are happy. I have had six birthdays now as a widow. All of them were made special by dearest friends. Extremely special. Plans that were simple or extravagant, always very personal, all involving cake and all arranged with love.…

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Loss While Pregnant

This is not a topic that most people want to read about or talk about.  However, something that is so important to address. While not a club that anyone wants an invitation to, it is truly of utmost importance to have people surrounding you in your worst possible time. Let me start at the beginning. When my husband and I got married, we wanted to wait a few years to have children. When we…

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Don’t Forget Our Children

Don’t forget our children. As the days pass by. Don’t forget our children. Those that had a daddy, or a mommy, die. Don’t forget our children. As you go on with your day to day routine. Don’t forget our children. Truly profound loss, they have seen. Don’t forget our children. They deserve better than to wonder where everyone went. Don’t forget our children. Love and support for them is so…

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Isn’t Life Grand

It was probably in the second month when we were in my clunky, blue car. I can’t remember where we were headed, but I was driving. Dylan was in the passenger seat and Mom sat in the back, folding her hunched shoulders over her knees. Her black raincoat covered her shrinking body and each time she sighed, the Gore-Tex material would crinkle along with her. Waiting at the stop light at the…

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Choices and Cheeseburgers

I had to make a lot of choices during the first year following my husband John’s suicide.  Choices I was ill-equipped to make considering the fact that in those early days, my shock-saturated brain kept making me leave the house with two completely different types of sandals on my feet. As the one year anniversary of John’s suicide approached, I faced yet another decision. How do I commemorate…

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Better Days to Follow

I stood for a moment this morning and literally felt all energy and determined action spinning around me. Life moves so quickly and the most effective way to manage it is to stop and pause. Do nothing for a moment. Dare I say, allow some magic to do its best within that moment. And by magic I mean your faith, your true power. I swear there are things in action that we have no control over and…

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She’s My Wife

On this day. Four years ago. We became man and wife. I’ve cried hard many a day. This. One of the most tearful of my life. You were so sick. The pain extreme. You couldn’t stop throwing up. A true nightmare. No fairytale. Or dream. You were in the same clothes. From three days before. The experience of our union should have been beautiful. Instead. More like a horror. The happy couples. Laughing.…

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Hello, how are you?

That simple, seemingly innocuous, greeting makes me cringe on the inside. I want to be authentic and be real with people. Yet, when I am asked "How are you?" I am put in a very awkward social situation. I hurriedly go through scenarios in my mind to try and figure out how to genuinely answer the question. Does this person want to really know how I am? Some people asking the question genuinely…

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