Forgive they tell you.

Forget they insist.

After all, the spiritual thinkers believe that forgiveness is key to healing.

How could I doubt them.

How could I ever think that forgiveness is not necessary to heal.

But since I am not a spiritual thinker, or a guru and never will be, I can say that forgiveness is a nice-to-have experience, but not necessary for living a big, full, life.

When my husband died a few things took place that were absolutely unforgivable and of course unforgettable.

Eight years later I still think about those things, but they have no emotional charge.

They don’t impact my life.

Did I forgive them, not really.

Did I forget, not at all.

But it is a non issue.

If I was to go back and go through a forgiveness process, talk to these people about what happened and blah blah blah… I would be turning myself back.

I would be revisiting something that is so behind me.

I don’t forgive or forget, but I see it all from a different vantage point.

I know you want to know how to get there yourself and my answer to that is, knowing yourself. Trusting yourself to know the truth and to stand in it with grace.

For me forgiveness is the ability to have the courage to move past it because I know better.

However, if you have no choice but to have these people in your life there is one thing that I learned recently.

Being able to have humanity towards someone who has done the unforgivable is the key to moving on.

It is the key to healing.

You don’t necessarily forgive or forget, you just have the capacity to still be the human you are towards the people who hurt you.

That’s it.

Treat everyone according to your standards including the ones who hurt you. (Click to Tweet!)

And then walk away. No emotional charge. No regrets. No revenge. No anger.

Just a simple knowing of who you are and why you show up the way you do.

Forgiveness is overrated.

But holding on to your values especially with people who hurt you is priceless.

I could never forgive certain people in my life, but I can still treat them with respect and smile at them knowing who I was, who I am and who I get to be.

During the holidays if you have to sit next to someone who you can not forgive, look at them from the part of your soul that knows who they are, but most importantly knows who you are. And that is when you give them your biggest most glorious smile.

With many unforgettable smiles,


Image courtesy of rarefrutifan.

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Christina Rasmussen is an author, speaker and social entrepreneur who believes that grief is an evolutionary experience required for launching a life of adventure and creative accomplishment.

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  • Patti Maxwell says:

    Amen to that Christina. I agree wholeheartedly! That’s been my approach for years. Living a good life and not giving them head space has worked for me.

  • Teresa says:

    I love this post, Christina! And yes, Patti Maxwell, I second that “Amen!” Forgiveness….so much easier said than done. I have learned to keep the “unforgivable” moments/words/actions on a very dusty shelf. I have repeated Proverbs 31:25 a million and one times, and still do! “She is clothed with ‘strength and dignity’ and can smile at the days to come!” I don’t believe all things can be forgiven either, Christina. I have not forgiven, nor will I ever forget certain things, but I have made peace with it. I agree, when we know who we are and what lies in the core of our being, then we can hold up our heads high and smile at others with dignity! Thanks again, Christina, for another wonderful message!

  • A says:

    Thank you. I’m glad I read this.

  • JR says:

    Transforming past wrongs into non issues is one of the goals of forgiveness so same end, different means.

  • I love this and feel the same way! Glad to read it here and know I’m not the only one.

  • Tammi says:

    Thank you. Outstanding words of wisdom and truth!

  • Shirley says:

    I totally disagree with you. I only hope that those who are struggling with forgiveness don’t read this. To each their own but one must forgive to heal. A person can’t hold on to the anger that is born from Unforgiveness. It will send us in a downward spiral quickly. Forgiveness is a process and doesn’t happen over night and for some, it may take a lifetime but to tell someone that forgiveness is not necessary is so totally wrong. God bless you.

  • Debra says:

    I believe it has to be alittle of both. You can forgive enough to put it behind you and move on. I do not believe you can forgive totally, maybe some people can , however, the more time that passes I realize I can say I forgive but have I truly. I wan Joy and peace again but some of the things someone choose to do to me where unforgiveable and to allow others, people I do not even know to come near me so one can look so wonderful. No,
    I do not believe one can….My hurt, tears, questions, hopes have been put aside, at times I still cry and hurt, after five years, No, my response is no I cannot forgive totally or act. like something never took place because I love myself now. Sincerely, Debra

  • Debra says:

    Hello, I am back. There are some things that one can forgive and move on and never look back. Then there are the ones that you just know you will never be able to forgive. When the pain is unbearable and you pray you can get through another second, minute, day and it would help one just to say a few words or communicate and they will not because of their ways, no, I can easily walk alone and hold my head up and know that I went through the process but I do not have to forgive selfishness, meansess and lies. Especially when you tried so hard…my story is so I almost want to say bizarre, my grieving was so real, my shock was put right in front of me….NO, I thank Christina, because to move forward I thought I would thought I did, but I do not have to….again, I did not know if I was going to live again. I am still not there but I know I want to. Wow, to me, Debra….this is a great thing that just happened. Thank you, I feel relief and I feel gracious still. Good night.

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