My Evening With A Wolf Spider

You know when your life changes forever, at least for me, the only thing I could think about was, “what am I going to do without my husband?” I couldn’t think much further than that. I was in a type of shock that I had never experienced before. I felt like I was in an endless fog that would never lift. When it hit me how much there was to take care of, it was absolutely overwhelming. Of course I…

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1 Comment8 Minutes

The Jury Has Made Its Decision

As a widowed person, I sometimes feel as if I’m been convicted of something. Perhaps I did something wrong, and I just don't remember. Being widowed is sort of like having to plead your case, take the Fifth, plead insanity, to a Jury of your “peers”, over and over and over Again.   For some reason, when you become widowed, people seem to think that this gives them the right to give any and…

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5 Comments7 Minutes

Don’t Be Afraid to Leave

I am afraid to leave. How can I go? I don’t even know that I want to go. Things are not bad, just not ideal. What about the kids? I can’t do this to them. I don’t want to be selfish. Now put this on repeat. Year after year. Decade after decade. Life is going by. Without happiness. Without love. Without worthiness. Blame. Shame. Loss. Frozen inside. Wearing a mask so nobody can see all of the…

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4 Comments4 Minutes

Radical Self-Care

My husband died recently; suddenly and tragically. He had a fun day, his last day: lunch with our 14 year old boy, shopping around town together, wearing torn khaki shorts and Hunter boots. He spent time pruning his vineyard, and working to upgrade our internet. It was a nice day, like many other wonderful days in my husbands’ life. In the early hours of the next morning, walking to the bathroom,…

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12 Comments12 Minutes

Do Not Attach Your Worthiness to the Person You Are Married To

All of my romantic relationships were not healthy for many years of my life. I always felt like the weak partner, the person who was more in love, more needy and more insecure. My boyfriend of 5 years in my early 20s would complain that I wanted to see him too much. In the end I found out he cheated on me with many women. I did leave him, but to be honest it crossed my mind to stay, because I was…

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5 Comments7 Minutes

The Letter to Heaven

Hubby in heaven, It will be 8 years this Monday since the day you left this world. I used to imagine how would the pain feel years from the day you left. A part of me wanted time to speed up and another part wanted time to go backwards. You left behind a train wreck. The girls wouldn't fall asleep at night without holding on to the glass picture frame of you. In the middle of the night I would…

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117 Comments7 Minutes

A Metaphor for Life

I will never forget the moment that the police told me that my husband was dead. It stands out as the worst moment of my life and yet within it has been the discovery of so much more. In the days, weeks and months after, as I reached for relief it was hard to let go of what I had had: the love, the life, the story. I was a happily married 39-year-old woman, mother of four children and my life was…

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7 Comments11 Minutes

Love and Grief and the Open Road

My husband (an AF veteran) and I spent four years traveling the USA, adventuring together after selling our home and belongings. We got out of the rat race and lived our dream, loving life and each other with all the passion that was in our hearts. We called ourselves Happily Homeless and lived every second of every minute. Never a moment was taken for granted.  In those years we criss-crossed…

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4 Comments11 Minutes

I Never Saw it Coming…

It was the colliding of two separate and yet immensely connected events that became the story of my greatest loss and rebirth at the same time. The first I knew deep in my soul was the truth, but for many years and so many reasons could not bring myself to reveal it. The second was happening so slowly that I never even saw it coming; and in fact it wasn’t until their collision that I could begin…

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6 Comments10 Minutes

Yes. I still believe in Fairy Tales.

I still believe in fairy tales. Yes you read right. Yep. I believe in love. I believe in dreams. I believe in miracles. I believe in laughter after tragedy. I believe in eternity. In heaven. In friendships. In human kindness. In spirit. In connection. I have seen so many… many miracles happen after tragic… tragic losses. I have seen so much beauty after hardship. So much light in the darkness.…

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7 Comments5 Minutes