I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have so many projects scattered throughout the house that are waiting on me. I have half-completed or almost-completed projects as well.
I’ve never thought of myself as a procrastinator, but since my husband’s passing, I have found it difficult to find motivation to do things I once found so easy not long ago.
I’m not exactly sure why this is. Perhaps I’m just tired and don’t want any more changes. Maybe it’s if I make these changes, it’s the reality I’m doing them without my husband. Maybe it’s simply if I do them, I have forgotten him, and that would hurt worse than anything. In reality, I know that last statement isn’t true. He is part of all of my thoughts and actions. If he could tell me, “let’s move that chair,” or “can we please hang that picture,” or “no, I don’t care if you buy that knickknack,” he would. Luckily, we had very similar taste. Paul was content with the TV remote, the couch, and his coffee. He was perfectly fine with anything else that I thought might improve the ambiance.
The house has looked like a work in progress for a while. Anytime I get some little thing accomplished, I smile and think, “I did it.” Early on, it was easy to remove the things that had to do with his illness. I know he would have wanted them out of the house, too. He despised all the medications, oxygen, the medical machines, and a refrigerator that sometimes looked like a pharmacy.
It’s true, I don’t think he understood my need for a cute trash can in every room, but he accepted it. I think secretly he was happy he had a girly girl for his wife. It’s hard measuring walls and getting the pictures hung correctly by yourself. I tell myself, “well, I can see them just fine standing up against the wall.” I know, though, that’s not why they were purchased. They were bought to enjoy and complement our home. I try very hard to include him as I take these steps. My sister had bought a wooden cross with the word Courage on it for me, and I decided to hang it on the wall over the doors to his office.
I know some of us can move forward quicker than others, but I’ve always been one to contemplate everything. Having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder doesn’t make it any easier. Everything has to be done “just right.” It’s so hard to think of living my life without him. So when I do something new to the house or go somewhere I’ve never been, I talk to my husband and God and ask them to be with me. When I become weak, I remember Paul told me “you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.” I don’t want to disappoint him and not be the woman he knew. I’m not one to have a lot of people over and have parties, so when I get down, I think “what’s the point?” I gather some strength and tell myself, “it’s OK to have a little joy and have a pretty picture on the wall.”
These are all such new feelings and emotions for me, it’s hard to know what to do with them.
Do I do this or do I not? Should I reach out to others or wait for them to reach out? Your mind can make things so complex. It’s stressful when you realize you are the one to decide what to do with the lawn, and pray you don’t get a letter from the Homeowner’s Association. Knowing you now have the responsibility for the car, you hope you don’t get ripped off because you’re a woman. So you learn where the air filter is and know if it needs replacing. Now you can have a moment of pride and say “no air filter is necessary, but thank you.” You know you are now responsible for getting your income tax information together and getting your taxes filed. My hubby used to do all this; he thought he should. Recently heavy rains caused a roof leak. Another mountain. Paint was damaged inside, so now I have to find a reliable and honest painter. These things were just this month!
I do have meltdowns, as I’m sure many do. When I slowly come through them, I think maybe they actually help, because then I can find the strength to face the next mountain. I’m not going to bury my head in the sand and pretend there won’t be anything else that will need attention. Hopefully, I’ll be up for the challenge. I wish you all encouragement and power to make a change if you choose to, and MOVE THOSE MOUNTAINS! Moving my mountains one section at a time.
My name is Ronda Dell’Ario, and I am a wannabe writer. I love reading, dancing, baking, and sleeping. I am a news and weather junkie. I love all things British and anything chocolate. I have written over 150 trivia quizzes for an online trivia site, as well as the lyrics for three songs I hope to get recorded. I also am a Texas girl, through and through!