I was always afraid to ask for things…and I never really knew why.

I was always good at asking for a lot of small things.

So it appeared that I always went for what I wanted.

Which was not true.

The big things that I wanted I did not dare to ask for.

And the rare times that I dared and the answer was NO, I was so heartbroken that the asking was not worth it anymore.

I remember one time in college I became friends with someone I really liked. He was so handsome, so smart and all the girls liked him.

One night as I was walking back to our class with him, I dared to believe that I was good enough for him.

I remember that walk so clearly that every step closer to our destination got my heart beating faster and faster.

There was an asking threshold that once you walk through then there is no turning back.

After all he was being so nice to me….and so I begun the sentence…

”I have something to tell you….”

There was no going back after that sentence was released from my bold and daring self (you see our daring side is always inside there)

Even before I finished my sentence, I saw it in his eyes…I saw his response before he even responded.

He didn’t feel the same way.

This may not have been a big deal for other people but for me it was devastating….

Sheer devastation…


Heart broken.

“You are not good enough”…my brain screamed at me.

I run up the big staircase and disappeared….and I did not ask for anything from anyone for a really long time.

But most of all I experienced this very intense increased feeling of unworthiness.

It appears that the more we ask the more we risk our perception of our worth.

So we stop asking.

The Impossible!

The Impossible!

And do you know what happens when we stop asking for the things we want?

We get much less than we deserve. 

But you see… we would rather decrease our own worthiness than give someone else the chance to do this to us.

So we devalue ourselves.

We tell ourselves we are not good enough to make the big ask.

So we become the naysayers.

We say no to ourselves more than others would.

Can you even believe that?

We are the ones who decide how worthy we are.

And let me tell you…after loss we ask even for even less than before.

Grief brings us into our most unworthy state.

We are doomed.

Unless you follow these rules I made for myself.

Read. Print. Use a magnet and hang on your fridge TODAY.

The 7 Golden Rules of Asking:

  1. Always ask for what you want. Believe in yourself enough to do the asking. Huge worthiness score on this.
  2. Before you ask strategize and use all your resources to make it happen. You will be surprised how many ways you can make your way in…
  3. Believe you should have it. If you don’t believe you should have it, then you should not have it.
  4. 4.     Replace “I could never pull this off” with “If anyone could pull this off its me.”
  5. Remember ….you truly have nothing to lose apart from your ego getting hit. But then again big egos are not very liked so it would do you some good if your ego got smaller. Worthiness does not mean having a big ego.
  6. You have been through the unimaginable so you can do the impossible. (This is my personal mantra, I used it to ask for my book endorsements from some pretty well known people, it worked…I even got a response from Tom Cruise’s agent. True story.)
  7. One day it will be too late and you will no longer be in a place of asking. Tomorrow won’t do. Asking should always take place today!

Now that you read the rules…what is it that you have not been asking for?

I want to hear it. And I want to see you raise your worthiness scale.

So are you worthy of this thing that you want?

If the answer is yes…then you know what you need to do. Comment below with your big ASK!


With a lot of asking lately,


PS. And if you have not seen me asking you to register for my kick ass REENTRY program…I hope you are seeing me now. Here it is: www.secondfirsts.com/reentry

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Christina Rasmussen is an author, speaker and social entrepreneur who believes that grief is an evolutionary experience required for launching a life of adventure and creative accomplishment.

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  • Barbarie says:

    Hello Christina:
    Love this posting today as it it speaks volumes to my heart, spirit, and soul. I too am one that avoids “Asking” in fear of being rejected, denied, scolded and punished. My young journey through life was filled with these responses being rejected, being told no, being scolded for asking and punished for asking. So I learned NOT to ask of others or for that which I needed or desired.
    I long to ASK and seek venues to speak publicly to share my horrific childhood journey through abuse, neglected, rejection, false accusations, being sent away from home and living in groups homes until I was emancipated at the age of 18. Giving birth to a child that I was impregnated with during a gang rape while serving in the military. I chose to carry, give birth, and raise even though it was the last thought and desire I had at that time in my life.
    Over and over I have stated I want to be an inspirational speaker as I know I have a story and testimony to share with audience in which I know I can touch hearts that need to know someone understands from personal experience and knows there can be life after trauma and horrific experiences along life’s journey.
    I am scared to ASK or seek an agent that might be able to guide me along just because I do not want to feel that REJECTION or possible ridicule again even though I know that know I have a message to spread.

    Thank you for starting this journey and allowing us to journey with you!


    • Christina says:

      No need for an agent to start inspiring people. Your story needs to be shared. Start small, a small gathering! A cafe where a few people get together to hear you speak.
      It’s easier than you think to do this work.
      I am so very sorry for everything you have been through. But because you have been through the unimaginable you can do the impossible!
      Don’t forget!
      All my love

  • Erin McRaven says:

    Wow. This article so TOTALLY speaks to me! Do you mind if I share my “Resistance Responses” for each item on the list of 7? Everything you are saying here is so TRUE, and I just don’t know how to bang myself in the head hard enough to knock out everything that has programmed me to think and believe and behave the way I do today!

    1. Makes sense. My inner censor chimes in and asks, “Why do YOU deserve this any more than starving people deserve the food that they are not getting?”
    2. How do I ever know when I HAVE done “all that I can first, before asking”? Maybe there are still things I can do, that I just don’t realize fully yet. When is enough ENOUGH?
    3. Also makes sense, but then I’m back to wondering….”Is there some tiny bit of doubt that I’ll have to brainwash myself, or bang myself in the head hard enough to get rid of, so that I will TRULY believe??
    4. That one sounds great and encouraging, but how do you know, again, when enough is, in fact, enough and where your own limits are? Shouldn’t you be realistic? I mean… I wanted to be the next Stevie Nix since I was 14, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen, especially since I’m now 39.
    5. I agree 100% about the ego part. The OTHER thing I have to fear, however, is my mother’s reaction. Since I am now forced to be dependent on her again, everything I do must meet with her approval. So, the thing I “have to loose” in addition to having my ego being hit is being the center of someone else’s total rage filled hissy fit.
    6. I really LOVE #6. My programming keeps interrupting with “WHY”, however. Reminding me to be sensible, and that suffering does not mean we will always rise like a Phoenix…. look at those who suffer and die, who don’t deserve to.
    7. Agree 100%.

    So… to answer your question…. “What have I not been asking for?”

    I’ve not been asking for (more than I can list, easily)…. To have my own home, NOW, rather than being subservient to my parents, while my fiance can’t find a job, and has trouble even LOOKING, since we can’t keep ourselves and our clothes clean and presentable enough. To be JUST US in our own home again, with our animals, with him being able to get the medical care he needs, and with me being able to get the dental care I need…. A home with a space I can open to the public as my art gallery. To be able to create the wondrous spiritual paradise that I had been planning out to do at our OLD home/farm before we lost it to foreclosure, and to be able to have a tiny outlet to finally SING in public, like I’ve always longed to do, and to finally have my horse with ME, instead of with my mother, so I can finally RIDE her!!! (I’ve had a horse since I was 12, and have never been PERMITTED to ride.)

    So….. I ask for the same things I asked for when I was a kid.
    A HOME.
    A loving and supportive family.
    Freedom to express my creativity.
    To be allowed to ride a horse.

  • Julie Daqeuelente says:

    This was exactly what I needed today!

    MY BIG ASK: Could you please help me promote this video to help me win a scholarship to B-School?

    I have been trying multiple avenues to try and get some love and comments on this video over the past few days and my self-esteem has taken a beating for sure! BUT, if you don’t ask, then the answer will always be “no”. And I want this bad enough that I’m willing to do the extra work to boost my self esteem when this is all over! 🙂

  • jessie says:

    want to ask husban if he still wants to be married to me he cheated on me I forgave him but ge doesnt seem to want me, I am so afraid to ask cause I am afraid of answer.

  • Audra says:

    Michael can we stop this game and start our life together? Will you love me forever as I will you?

  • Cheryl says:

    I asked for help multiple times after my husband passed away. Mostly to people who had offered. One particular person blew me off 99% of the time so he’s not in my life anymore. I knew he was the type of person that said things ‘just to be nice’ so I wasn’t totally surprised. It wasnt my ego getting hurt it was him being an Ass. My neighbors stepped up though especially the retired one, he’s a Godsend. It’s still kinda hard to ask for help. I always feel like have to repay people somehow but I have decided that they probably feel good helping the Widow. I would do the same and not need anything in return. The warm fuzzy feeling i got from helping someone would be enough.

  • Cheryl says:

    Oh right! I need help working on my house this summer!
    And I want a boyfriend!

  • Dianna says:

    I wish I knew what to ask for. I have no idea what I want my future to look like since my husband’s death

  • I see all posts are a couple years ago. Well, I am here and I am asking that someone new post so we can connect. Or, to my chagrin…has this site gone away. I am new widowed, 7 months. I am going through
    a very hard time. I eve went on a dating site and felt less of a person for doing so. I was just curious of who was out there looking and maybe lonely. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will understand. Last night I sounded like an Indian wailing in grief. I could hardly realize that was me. My cat hid the rest of the night. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling normal and then it hit me the longing and wanting so much to see Bruce again in the flesh. I asked for a sign. And it was NO. NOT even the slightest indiction that he knew how much I missed him or cared a dam. Lost in a cozy house with lovely yard and lots of upkeep, some of it bigger than I can manage. My kids all live hundreds of miles away. I am 76, but look late 50’s. I am in good shape and can do most sport level activity.

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