The ice-cold evening froze my feet as I was making my way to my 7:00pm appointment.  The grass was stiffened with snow bursts on it.  It was chilly.  A December night that sounded quiet as I walked from my hotel room to the spa within the property.  We had never been to Santa Fe New Mexico before.  The hotel was situated just 20 minutes outside…

I am afraid of a thousand things.  Afraid of losing love.  More people.  Moments that will never come back.  Experiences that I will never have again.  I grieve a thousand things every day.  My wiser self wants to go back in time and witness everything from this self.  The me that is here now.  I even want to go back to my very first Holidays…

Nobody ever said anything about the physical pain of grief.  The nausea. The breathlessness.  The stiffness of the body.  The ache at the back of the neck.  The panic attacks that feel like a heart attack.  The insomnia.  The cold hands. The dizziness.  For me, grief was always very physical.  And it was the biggest surprise of all.  I knew I would be broken hearted,…

I had a mammogram scheduled this week, and I wasn’t just dreading it.  I was petrified of it.  And this was not the only time I felt terror for a simple test.  I spent months coughing over the summer and I avoided every X ray I was offered.  You see, when you spend years as a caregiver seeing death, destruction and lives completely changed through…

It’s the smell of food being made.  The lights on the decorated trees.  All, reminders of a life. That is no longer ours.  The ghost life.  On days such as today, we get thrown into a life that no longer exists for us,  but we are forced to see it on others.  People who have not experienced tragedy can’t possibly know that when they invite…

It’s heavy in there, isn’t it?  It is as if you are carrying a whole arena.  One, no one can see.  No witness to it.  Even you, you are blinded to your own hurt.  The heaviness, steals the words you wish you could utter.  There is something about the weight of it, that can mask your voice.  When we have not named our pain it…