Nobody ever said anything about the physical pain of grief.
The nausea. The breathlessness.
The stiffness of the body.
The ache at the back of the neck.
The panic attacks that feel like a heart attack.
The insomnia.
The cold hands. The dizziness.
For me, grief was always very physical.
And it was the biggest surprise of all.
I knew I would be broken hearted, but I didn’t know my body would suffer as much and for as long.
There were times in my life that I didn’t think my body could make it through a grief experience.
When Bjarne was diagnosed I slept with a paper bag on my face breathing in and out every night as I was hyperventilating for two weeks.
When we got home on diagnosis day, I threw up.
And when we got the news at the doctor’s office I became dehydrated fast.
My body weakens and crumbles in front of grief.
I remember one Sunday, months into my grief journey being alone at home, I could not be with my body.
I couldn’t sit down.
I could not stand still.
Being alive was so uncomfortable.
I could not eat anything the first few months.
I could not swallow.
I could not smell food.
I could not be.
Being inside our own bodies when we have lost someone we loved, is a very hard thing to do.
As I am writing this letter to you, both of my hands are cold just by remembering.
But I have been thinking about this, this week.
Especially because the Holiday season is just around the corner and everyone is eating, drinking and are hosting dinners and parties.
When someone is deeply grieving, their body finds it very hard to be in these gatherings.
Grief is eating us from the inside out, while everyone else is feasting on Holiday food.
The polarity of the experience is almost hard to believe.
And I know it sounds gruesome.
But how can I understate the experience of grief during the Holidays. Its ruthless.
I will not join the world of invisibility by being polite about what it feels like to grieve during the Holidays.
Maybe this letter will find its way to your family and friends, so they know how much your body is in physical discomfort.
So they can take care of you more.
The physical pain of grief is not visible in the same way as the physical pain of a wound, or a broken arm or surgery.
People don’t know that your body is suffering as much as your heart.
Well, let’s tell everyone.
Everyone should know.
And what can they do about it?
We need lots of listening, instead of casseroles.
Holding hands, instead of forks.
Warm baths, instead of Holiday outings.
Above all we need, familiar faces around us.
Not strangers with wrong words. (Click to tweet!)
I wish you less physical discomfort dear friend, and remember that I know how much your body is suffering during this time.
I wish I could take all your physical and emotional pain away.
I hope this letter brings you comfort in knowing you are not alone.
With physical grieving,
Christina
P.S. Starting this Saturday December 14th and throughout the Holidays I will be sharing Dear Life Podcast episodes about grieving during the Holidays. I hope you listen in: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dear-life-with-christina-rasmussen/id1465291728
Yes! Grief is so very physical. I had manageable arthritis before my husband died, but 2 weeks after I buried him, both knees fell apart & the hips followed. I’m in my 40s & am recovering from the last of 4 joint replacements within 16 months. I’ve said years of prednisone destroyed my joints but the tipping point that started their final demise was definitely my husband’s death. And it’s no accident that I’m recovering over the holidays. I wanted the distraction. Thank you for this. For me, the timing is perfect.
Our oldest daughter was 37 and a CT Tech when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went thru well over 40 operations and many many chemo’s trying to beat the cancer. After 7 years she was told there was nothing more they could do. The last 6 months of her life she lived with me and her dad to save her children from watching her physical changes. We lost her March 2019. She was 44 years old and left an 11 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. There are no words and there are no pictures to relay the pain and anguish a parent feels when they lose a child. This Christmas I sequestered myself because I got tired of people telling me it was time to put up a tree and move on. It’s difficult to keep friends when this happens. Thank you for writing this and I hope many more will read your words. God bless.
The physical pain is so real. And the panic attacks and anxiety and nausea. And everything you said!!!! I’m so glad to hear it though, I thought there was something else wrong with me!
These are all of the symptoms I have had over the past 3 years since my husband died. I’m not alone I see,this and I know I’m not alone..Thank you all for your posts…I’m not loosing my mind .????
Thank you for this. I’m taking my beloved Brittany Spaniel Jessie to be put to sleep this morning. This will be my second Christmas without my husband John. The pain is unreal.
Oh Debbie, same scenario for me. The month before my 2nd anniversary of my late husbands death I had to put my (our) lab to sleep. For some reason I felt like I was losing the last thing that was ours. It almost did me in. I am so so sorry. I waited two months and went out and got a puppy because I couldn’t bear being alone. I truly understand your pain and I’m so sorry.
I’m still fighting the physical demise post loss. First, I experienced a broken pelvis from running (not falling just running), then I suffered a broken shoulder from a simple fall and now I am dealing with and have been dealing with it for going on 2 years, nerve pain down one of my legs. I have already had back surgery for the nerve pain but it came back and now I feel like I’m back at square one. I pray everyday for god to give the doctors the vision to see what is causing the pain so it can be fixed but it seems so very hopeless.
Thank you for sharing. I feel like I have lost everything.
You hit the nail on the head every time. I get so tired of tip toeing around my grief. Almost 9 years after losing my husband and I still can feel so uncomfortable at holiday parties. Sometimes to the point of nausea. It so damn hard!
Well said.
Yes. I feel you. Thank you for your wise words.. I wish peace and love to you
Thank you for this. The night my mother died somewhat unexpectedly, I was in so much physical pain. Every part of my body hurt so badly, I couldn’t sleep or lie down or sit, nothing helped, not my qigong practice or breathing practices. I was so physically agitated, I had to keep moving. I couldn’t bear to be in my skin/body. It was so painful. I remembered thinking if only someone could rub my back, that might help. And I used to work with bereaved families in hospice. What I was experiencing was nothing like I imagined it would be. So glad you’ve written about this. Thank you again.
I lost my momma on Mother’s Day 2017 and within six months a cousin, my best friend from high school, my sister in law, then the next day my brother in law. They had a double funeral for my husband’s brother and his wife on their 39th anniversary and also my husband’s birthday. I didn’t get to be at my best friends memorial cause I was in the hospital getting a blood transfusion. I almost died from blood loss from internal hemorrhoid s of all things and after my sibling in laws passed I had to have another one. It’s like my body has to absorb some of the pain from my heart cause that’s what would kill me.
Thank you, I lost love ones on 12/17/13 and. 12/20/19. Yes, yesterday – I can’t breathe. I am having a hard time concentrating and keeping still. Why do I want to move and be still at the same time. Of course I can’t sleep. I only know how to share in safe places. Can I cancel the holidays?
Thank you.
Thank you for these words. I have struggled after losi g my daughter when she was 37. It will be 9 years this Dec. 25th. It almost feels like yesterday for me. I live alone and have very good emotional support from close friends. My friends never talk about my Jenn anymore so I fi d it hard around them. Thanks for sharing your story
It’s nice to know that what I’m experiencing could be physical grief. I’d never thought about that, just the mental and emotional side of it. I’ve lost so many family members and friends. My mom in 2012, husband in 2013, pet dogs-Jake in 2014 and Willow in 2018, plus friends and neighbors. I know grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, but never considered its physical toll. Thanks for your insight. I will share this with other widows I know.
I cried while reading this. I lost my husband over 7 years ago and many many family and friends in that time also. I struggle everyday and no one understands. Thank you for caring enough to let me know I’m not alone.
Really well said. It makes perfect sense. It does away with the thinking that ‘I am weak, I am sick, et’.
Nolah
December 13, 2019, 11:03 pm
It has been almost eleven years since my husband of 53 years passed away. My grieving has been the feeling of homesickness. I cried at first so much until I lost my ability to cry. I was so angry with God at first and finally, I ask for his forgiveness and came to realize that God had a plan and I have learned to accept his plan. I still have that homesick feeling and I miss him when I awake thinking I feel him lying up against me. I will never get over it and I just keep on keeping on.
Today is the first Anniversary of his death. Yesterday I was just manic, all over the place and today I am freezing and under a blanket. Yesterday I was so angry with him for leaving me with having to sell everything we owned at the age of 72 and becoming homeless in a month and today I can’t get off the sofa. I’m freezing cold and so scared with no family. Every bit of business that needed to be done had to be done by me alone. I happened upon your blog and didn’t realize that all of my physical symptoms that I had never had before he died were a part of the grief.
This is all so true I lost my his almost 4 year ago. Our son does not speak to me
My life is so empty. I’m so wanting. To go I. Want to see my husband my God
It’s been 3 and a half years since I found my precious husband passed away in our bed. The pain is still in my heart. I hurt for him and miss him every day as if it just happened. It never gets any better. He was my soulmate and my best friend. My life will never be the same again. Thanks for the article you wrote. It helps to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing I am.
Thank you for saying this! After losing both my parents the holidays were never a fun time for me. My husband would call me the grinch because I had no desire to participate. I’ve changed my mind with time, and now that I have a child I’m more involved, but the anxiety is always there. My Mother in Law just lost her husband, during the week of Thanksgiving, And her mother a week later. I see her physically going through this pain, and the holidays don’t help one bit.
We just lost our beloved son and the physical pain I’m experiencing is just as you mentioned…at times I don’t want to be in my skin or clothes!. Thank you so much for sharing this with us who are struggling to make sense of our grief!
Dear Ruth
I am so very sorry for all you have been through. Losing your son is the hardest thing in the world. Your body must be hurting so much. And the strange thing is nobody talks about the physical pain of loss.
With much love
Christina
I had no idea this was a symptom of loss. I have been feeling overwhelming pain in my hands, hips, knees and feet. After reading this I can time it all back to after my Mom had passed away. I just figured it was signs of aging and maybe this is what aging was for me. But I am only 45 years young and never had issues before. I am so appreciative of finding this post. Thank you for the time you took to sharing your story.
Dear Christina, i fully can relate to what you write and resonate with you.
For some years now i am a trauma therapist (somatic experiencing and attachment traumas). I found out that the more I am able to hold an emotion ’emotionally’ the easier it gets for my body!
Before i encountered traumawork i was the world champion in somatizing everything i could not hold and feel emotionally!
The deeper i come now the more I feel the emotion AND the physical impact of all those emotions…
I am attending a training for integral somatic psychology at the moment, it’s about giving emotions space to be in the body… since I am doing that training i am even more able to feel my emotions, the physical and energetical impact and that is very, very relaxing for the body!
And it brings me deeper into myself and in contact with others and the world than ever before.
Love Samira
Dear Christina, i fully can relate to what you write and resonate with you.
For some years now i am a trauma therapist (somatic experiencing and attachment traumas). I found out that the more I am able to hold an emotion ’emotionally’ the easier it gets for my body!
Before i encountered traumawork i was the world champion in somatizing everything i could not hold and feel emotionally!
The deeper i come now the more I feel the emotion AND the physical impact of all those emotions…
I am attending a training for integral somatic psychology at the moment, it’s about giving emotions space to be in the body… since I am doing that training i am even more able to feel my emotions, the physical and energetical impact and that is very, very relaxing for the body!
And it brings me deeper into myself and in contact with others and the world than ever before.
Love Samira
I felt a heaviness in my chest while at my sister in laws house Xmas day…I was dizzy, feeling overheated and shortness of breath…I was convinced I was in heart failure…when I returned home most of these symptoms went away…my husband died last Xmas after taking a fatal fall from the ladder while decorating the Xmas tree…I’m still in shock…I actually feel sick as I’m typing this….both my parents are gone and I have no family
Twelve years for me Dec 28th suddenly, swiftly and unexpectedly my husband passed. ~ my body fell apart my mind was mush. It was a roller coaster ride of anguish, physical problems and I felt gutted. I was not prepared for the physical pain. It has taken years to get me stable physically. People meant well but friends drifted away and I felt everyone had their life flowing along. People tried to understand but I felt betrayed, alone and forgotten. My work was my escape. I floundered I cried. I lost my home and everything I knew was gone. And now years later as the month of December is in swing I grieve the loss of my husband, my father and also an aunt. Some moments are almost too much to bear. Sometimes the flashback comes. Sometimes the memories roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I am afraid, but alway, always I remember. Thank you for validating this part of grief~
My beloved grandmother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My mom was 28 years old, and she lost 25 pounds in 3 days. The nervous system is shattered with a loss like this. The body tries to process the loss that the brain cannot yet. It’s ‘soul shattering’.