I am afraid of a thousand things.
Afraid of losing love.
Moments that will never come back.
Experiences that I will never have again.
I grieve a thousand things every day.
My wiser self wants to go back in time and witness everything from this self.
The me that is here now.
I even want to go back to my very first Holidays in deep grief.
I want to visit with myself and just follow me around the house.
Run next to me when I was chasing down the mailman.
Cry with me.
Open the door to the friends who came over and brought gifts for my girls.
Drink coffee with me, as I was sitting alone on December 25th, 2006.
Feel his presence at the house, especially then.
He was there with us the first couple of years.
We had put a gift under the tree for him, and somehow it moved on its own.
We all gasped.
I wish I could see that again.
I wish I could witness my grief without all the pain.
I wonder what I no longer remember because the grief got in the way of me staying present.
I want to visit with myself just to see my youth in the midst of all the grief.
I didn’t really know how very young I was then.
Thirty four seemed old to me, if only I knew how young she really was.
I wish I could see her physical strength.
She worked all day and took care of the kids after work until late at night.
She was healthy then.
In the beginning of the grief journey her body was ready for the fight, I wish I could go back to celebrate that with her.
I want to see when it was that she started to get tired.
When was it that grief took over?
When did she become afraid?
I want to remind her of her daughters’ joy in the midst of grieving.
They played. They had fun in the snow.
They giggled at their gifts.
I want to visit with you too.
But most of all I wish for you to have a chance to visit with yourself.
I wish you can marvel at yourself.
I hope you will be able to see the courage in your breath while you are drinking that cup of coffee alone on December 25th.
I wish that you can sit by your side and hold your own hand as if you are a wise old friend.
And even though this day is very hard, gaze at yourself getting through each moment however much you lose each second that goes by.
I have built a home around each memory I never want to lose.
And that includes the moments I lost to grief, I have reclaimed them.
By going back to visit with myself, each time I remember a new thing that the pain of grief took away.
May you find the strength to sit back from the loneliness of December 25th, 2019 and marvel at yourself.
And in many ways I am there with you too, keeping you company.
Not letting you forget your courage.
With many visits,
P.S. Listen in to the Holiday episodes on the podcast.
PPS. This week marks the one year anniversary of our Where Did You Go? book. Thank you for all your journeys.