How to Wake Up your Dragon in 2019

You have to have a strong sense of self. A clear picture of who you are, what you stand for.

What it is you believe in. You have to be tree-like, like the trees with huge trunks, that can’t be destroyed in bad weather. You must claim your place in the world, and not be shaken or fallen.

Did you know that the world’s oldest tree is in Sweden and it is nearly 10,000 years old? The oldest tree has a very interesting way of surviving harsh weather conditions. It has the ability to make a new trunk when the old one has died. It pushes the old one out, and the new one comes in. Nice. The second oldest tree is nearly 5,000 years old. This one doesn’t push out a new trunk. It keeps the same old trunk. It lives in California. But its exact location is a secret. So it can be protected from the world.

One might wonder why would anyone want to destroy the oldest tree? But there are millions of people who would burn it, cut it, and be proud of doing so.

Don’t ask why. Don’t wonder. Just like I don’t want you to wonder when others try to destroy who you are. Your sense of self will be questioned many times. It will be attacked. It will be shoved to the ground. You have to persevere. You have to be like the very old tree, the 10,000 year old.

When they least expect it push out a new trunk but still be the same tree.

This last year I learned so much about publicly being my true self. My dragon self as you will soon find out. And since this is the last message in a bottle for 2018, I want to share my 5 dragon truths with you.


1. Don’t eliminate yourself.

We live in a world that likes to keep things the same. And I am not just talking about the larger world, but the world within your family, your friend group, your workplace, you know the micro cosmos. When you try to say, write, speak of something that is not just out of the ordinary but outside of their scope, they may shame you. Call you names. Punish you. Ignore you. Run away from you. Once you get brought down, you quickly learn that speaking your mind hurts and you lose your preciousness by trying to be like everyone else. You hide the weird thoughts, the strangeness of you so they don’t take you down again. Instead, you take yourself down so that your tree is hidden and protected. Just like the tree in California. But what if I told you that you can build a new trunk and you don’t have to hide. Wouldn’t you come out and be yourself, and show off your weird ability to push out a new trunk? I bet you would.

2. The dragon is kept asleep.

We live in a seemingly simple world. People wake up, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed and sleep their way to the next day. They watch the silly news, some of them believe in a cult-like religion, some don’t believe in anything. Some just hover in the middle, hiding. Thinking that everything is manila. Grey. But it really isn’t. Underneath the simplicity of our lives, a big dragon is kept asleep. Systems are in place to keep the dragon mind from waking up. And this is when knowing your true self is key. If you are a dragon whisperer you have to stay awake. Until you meet all the other dragon whisperers and your true selves can’t be so easily dismissed. But it is a hard thing to do, at first anyways.


3. Truth tellers, find true lovers.

This has been the biggest truth I learned this year. As you bring your true self further out telling everyone what’s on your mind, the people who love you, will keep walking with you. They will stand by your side and be proud of your truth telling. The ones who pretend to love you and like you, will hide fast. And they will do it very quietly. If you blink you will miss their hiding places. Those never liked you, loved you, respected you. Forgive them. This is about them, not you. They live their life trying not to wake up their dragon. Seeing you waking up yours makes them scared. That’s all. They do have special, weird abilities like you but they can’t find their true self and don’t really wish for their dragon to wake up. It’s ok. We will come back for them, when our dragon selves are completely awake.


4. It is all about longevity.

At first, when you start telling your truth and being yourself it’s gonna hurt my friend. Like a lot. It’s gonna hurt everywhere. And it will destroy all the things you have worked so hard to build. But remember it is only destroying the things you built when your dragon was sleeping. (Click to tweet!)

Those things were fine, but they were not what you were destined for. Unfortunately, this is where you will feel loss, grief and you will have to learn how to mourn the old life. It is a part of the dragon waking.

When your true self is here, it knows all the non-truths about your life, and it tries to wipe them out fast. That is when you start to lose jobs, money, friends, status and you have to keep yourself inside the truth. It is like jumping in a tub with ice cubes. Or inside the ocean in the winter. You are going to be cold, and you will want to get out. Don’t. The freeze will not last.


5. Forgive those whose dragons are still sleeping.

This is when it goes from the freeze to the float. From rejection to acceptance. From the asleep to the awake. From routine to the dragon. After you tell your truth and you go through all of the above you have finally escaped the cycle. Some of the other awakened dragons start to find you. And together you are like the tree that pushes out the new trunk. Do you know what happens then? This is my favorite part. The people who hid themselves when they first saw your dragon, unhide themselves and start to wave. They try to sneak back in your life, pretending to have been friends with your dragon all along. You must forgive them. And take them by the hand so they too can wake up. You see, they don’t even know they are asleep. And seeing your dragon fire may get them startled and awake for the first time in forever.


My dragon woke up fully 2 years ago, when I said yes to writing Where Did You Go? The rest is history.

May you find your dragon self in 2019 and make it through the freeze, rejection, shame and the grief of your old life. I promise you my dragon friend, it will be worth it.

With truth and millions of future awakened dragons,


Any questions email us: [email protected]

And just in case you don’t own the WDYG book just yet:

I can’t wait to see your dragon fire. And this letter is especially for you if you have lost your true identity in the midst of a very hard life. Your dragon is waiting to be awakened by you.

Be rebellious today

The holiday season is not for the faint of heart.

Not for the bereaved.

Not for the heartbroken.

Not for those who lost the people they celebrated with. Millions of people spend the holiday season sobbing.

Millions spend it making rebellious new traditions.

Millions spend it with new friends.

New loves. New beginnings.

But even those, those who boldly go forward they will find a moment, to sob.

Sob for their first loves.

Their only loves. Their forever loves.

Even the very bold ones seek a moment of solitude this Christmas, to mourn those who are no longer with them. Click To Tweet

Please let yourself have that moment.
Where you shed tears, even if you are on a new adventure, making space for new traditions.

Find a few moments on your own.

Look up at the stars.

Gaze at the sunrise.

Seek to connect with your person who is no longer physically with you.

I know your soul knows that they are not gone forever.

I know you know, they are happy you are doing your best this time of the year.

Tell them about it. Tell them.

And then come back to the living, and live out this Christmas with a bold heart.

I know it can do both, remember them...and create a new life too.

Happy Holidays,

The 10 surprising things I learned about LIFE from visiting the AFTERLIFE

When my husband died in 2006, I discovered that the distance between life and death was very short. It became very clear that we are here one moment and gone the next.

Death is immediate.

I may even go as far as to say that death is not inside our linear time. If you blink you would miss death. It comes and it takes us outside of this reality, and moves us into a place outside of a linear existence. The place outside of time is a real place, but since we understand life through the concept of time we can’t understand that this place exists.

But it does.

It is also non local, meaning -- you can’t find it the way you find everything else on a map. It does not have an actual location. And since death has no time and no location we think it is the end. But it isn’t.

Death is a doorway into a different existence. And because I wanted to discover what this existence is like without dying, I studied, researched, learned and then took all of it and built a bridge, an opening, a way in. And I have been going in and out of there every day for 2 years. The bridge takes you deeper and deeper the longer you travel on, and the more you frequent on it.

I wrote each step in my new book Where Did You Go? So you could go too. You see, this place which we call the afterlife is a place we can visit while living and we can use its wisdom in this life. Here are some of the things I learned about life while I was visiting the afterlife in these last two years.

1. Miracles are real and can be frequent

We use the word miracle because we perceive synchronicities, unexpected healing, visitations from our loved ones as rare phenomena. But the truth is, there is a deeper reality that tells us life can be full of miracles and wishes fulfilled. And we have to start to view our life from this miraculous place. Once we believe that there could be daily miracles, we start to find them everywhere. It may appear as magic but not to those who understand how the hidden levels of reality work. One thing to keep in mind is that you are surrounded by miracles waiting to happen if only you start believing in them.

2. Death is a doorway to a bigger room

There is no death, just a pathway to another view of reality. Click To Tweet

The person you lost only died in your reality but not in theirs. For them, everything changed, and they still exist. They want you to understand that, so they can tell you some things they never got to say when they were here with you, living in this existence. I learned over the last two years that it is not just for our own healing that we must connect with our loved ones, but for them also. Healing needs to take place on both sides. This was surprising to me, when I was informed of that. Of course it makes sense now, but at the time I wanted to write this book to help the living. Because I did not think the ones who are no longer with us needed this too. Now I know.

3. You can talk to the people you lost every day

There are many ways to talk about our loved ones, and you must find your own way to do so. How? Try different types of doors. You can go to a well known medium who has gone back and forth through the door many times. You can do different programs that teach you how to connect. Of course you can also read Where Did You Go? But I want you to know there is a way there, find it, go to them and let them tell you the things they have been wanting to tell you. For those of you who worry that this will activate your grief, I want to say that it actually helps you heal at a deeper level than anything else I have ever seen. Trust the process and believe in what you receive. Don’t question your own ability to connect. You have been born with this gift, I am sure you have heard of kids connecting better and faster than adults. It is because we are meant to. And like Lady Gaga would say, you are born this way.

4. We don’t have to wait for our loved ones to visit us, we can visit them

Ever since I can remember I heard people ask me and others things such as have you had any signs? Or has he visited you in your dreams? I am here to tell you that this is a two way street. We are also meant to visit with them. This is still a relationship. Different of course. But still a relationship that needs both parties to put effort forward. I can hear them laughing at that. And telling me why would anyone think that all of a sudden they have to do all the work? It makes sense right?

5. Life is our own creation

Half way through Where Did You Go? you will discover that the path changes, there is a plot twist as someone called it. As I was traveling back and forth to the reality we cannot see, the more life I found. It appears that the place we go when we are no longer physically here, is also the place we get to create life from.

It is as if afterlife is where creation stems from. It is not after life it is Life Beyond Life. It is where everything starts from. Your dreams. Your wishes. Your whole life is created from there.

And you can create with your loved ones too. This is my favorite part.

6. Your loved ones want you to know they did not die

Imagine if you are waving at someone everyday and they can’t see you. This is how it feels for them. They are trying to get your attention but you are not looking for them. Look for them so they can be seen. They are waving at you and want you to wave back.

7. There are no ghosts

I used to be afraid of ghosts, and anything to do with death. After all, movies, media and the whole world it seems, makes it all look and sound creepy. No wonder we are so afraid. I believe that ghosts are holographic creations of our minds. Our loved ones are not ghosts, they are energy and consciousness that is around us. When we do see them, it is their way of making themselves known in a holographic way, as this is the way we are told that we are able to see them. But when we start to see them with our eyes closed then they will come to us in different ways. The ghost industry is way too big and in many ways wrong. It is as if they want to make us believe in this very scary world. When all this is, is the most beautiful world you can ever imagine. One day we will all experience it first-hand.

8. Heaven is for real

Yes it is. Not that you needed me to tell you this, but it is. The place from which this reality is being projected from is where Heaven is located. Which also includes the people we think we lost. It is where light comes from and gives us this image of this world. It is actually called the Holographic principle and there have been studies on this and it has been scientifically proven. This reality is an image being projected from the 2D dimension where light, energy, and our consciousness exists always.

9. God/source/universe/ is the first creator, who observed you into existence

There was a first creator, who observed our creation. You see, reality here cannot exist without someone observing it and therefore creating it. Observation equals creation. And there is so much to say about this, but what you need to know here is that unless an earlier form of consciousness observed us, we could not have existed. When there is nobody looking at the stars we are being told that the stars cannot be there. This is one of the most fascinating theories out there. Einstein used to say “I want to think that the moon is there when I am not looking at it.” Even he didn’t want to consider that possibility but it was one that he had to.

10. You are never alone

I know it feels like you are all alone with nobody by your side, but one thing I know for sure is that not only your loved one is by your side but many others. You are surrounded by angels, guides, loved ones and a whole cosmos. Not only do you have company but they want to help, connect and be a part of your journey. Let them in.

For those of you who want to know more about all of this, I hope your order a copy of Where Did You Go?:

There are two different kind of re-entries after loss. One where we start to build a new life for ourselves. And another where we have experiences with life beyond life that allow us to bring forth certainty that love never dies. And you are never left behind. This type of life reentry cannot be missed. I have helped many people start over after the loss of a loved one and one question that never goes away until it is answered is WHERE DID YOU GO?

My own answer is, that he never went anywhere, he has always been here.

I look forward to your own answers that can only be given through your own lenses and experiences.

With a lot of life beyond life,


Five things you need to know about your life after loss

I was finishing an interview with the incredible Jamie Butler at the Lighter Side show which by the way you need to check out.

An incredible human being and I highly recommend her work.

Our interview together will be posted next week.

As we finished our chat Jamie asked me where do you get all this passion from and I said to her that when I discover something that everyone needs to know about, I get carried away.

I can’t stop. All I can think about is telling them what I discovered and how it can change their life. All I can think about is that I can’t have people being sad, and unhappy when there is a way out of sadness.

I want to run to you and tell you.

I want to scream it from the rooftops.

I want to look you in the eyes and say it doesn’t need to be so hard, here is why and how and what and where. Click To Tweet

First thing to know

You are born with the ability to change your life no matter how much loss, sadness and difficulty you are experiencing. You are born ready. You are made to overcome it all.

You don’t even have to learn to do it, you know it. This is your journey and you wrote the map to where you are going. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, that there is no way out. There is. And you are standing right in front of it.

Second thing to know

Your life is created by you and the people you choose to have around you. This is very crucial to know. You are the creator of yourself, your destiny and your experience but also who you bring into the world influences that creation. You create your life by choosing the kind of story you want to tell every day. You create by the way you respond to something difficult. By the way you see the world and by the people you choose to be in your life. The way they see you and the way they think of you impacts your life. This is why you must remember to only let people in who see you with love and respect. This is critical. You must choose wisely when it comes to co-observers and co-creators. I have so much to tell you about this and I will but for now, that is all you need. Allow only good people in. Period.

Third thing to know

Death is not death. When someone doesn’t seem like they are here it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It means they exist in another way. In another place that is non-local, non-geographical, non-physical looking. You have access to that place. Every day. Every moment. You don’t have to wait for them to come contact you. You can be the one connecting with them. They want to connect with you. This has been one of the biggest discoveries I made while writing my new book. They want you to say hi and talk to them. I know this can come across as peculiar and I am fully aware of that. But death is just a word we use to describe the end of someone’s physical life. Not the end of them.

Fourth thing to know

You, the table in front of you, the computer, the phone, the trees, the solid-looking things in your life are not solid. They just appear solid and firm. The truth is that the nothingness of the space between your table and chairs, is the same as the table and chairs. Nothing and not nothing is one and the same. The empty space next to you, is made the way you are made. The reason why this is important to know is that if you knew that then when you see empty space you will know it is not empty at all, it has so many things in it, including your person.They are still here but you can’t see them with your eyes open. Your eyes can’t see all the light that exists. Your ears can’t hear all the sounds that exist. The people we think we lost are right here inside all the space around us.

Fifth thing to know

And last but not least there is a deeper reality, a deeper existence that you can’t see from here and it is where miracles come from. Where healing takes place. Where everything gets created and that deeper, more hidden reality is more real than this one. You can bring everything you want from there to here, it is your creation. When we start to know this, then we can be more in control of our life and what happens to it. Not knowing this, is like trying to drive the car at night without the lights on. Please don’t forget it. You are the driver of this experience and you now know what you need to do to turn the lights back on.

My book is coming out this Tuesday; if you order now it will arrive on time. I can’t wait for you to be holding this book in your hands. And together we can light the way for ourselves and everyone else.


With lights, loves and miracles,


The 10 Things I Wish I Knew About The Holidays After Loss

I started this letter at a time when nobody was writing about grief, or even about grief and the Holidays.

And those who were, were not discussing the elephant in the room.

The loneliness.

The deep sadness of the Holidays.

You see, happy seasons, are the saddest seasons for people who are grieving.

Even the sun shining brightly in the winter, can feel like loss.

Even bells ringing.


People with gift bags walking down the streets can set you off.

The triggers are so many.

I put together a small list that can help just a little during the next few weeks.

  1. Make this the most untraditional holiday you have ever had. If you normally celebrate with the tree, the big dinner and the works, try something completely different this year. Go to the beach instead, or stay in bed all day if you need to. Choose your way of the holidays and don’t feel guilty. This is YOUR life.
  2. Speak the truth every day. Let it out. Scream it if you have to. It is YOUR voice.
  3. Make a wish, but don’t stop there! Take one small action and use the Holiday season to begin something new. To make that wish come true. That is when you will start seeing the impossible become possible. Time does not heal all wounds, action does.
  4. Change something inside your house. Even something that nobody else can see but you.
  5. If you get invited to dinner and you don’t feel like going, say NO thank you and go and do whatever you want. Yes, whatever you want.
  6. Stop buying gifts for people you don’t care about. As a matter of fact if you don’t feel like buying gifts don’t buy them. Don’t be trapped in that fake polite space after loss. You don’t need this pressure. Free yourself from the gift expectations and send an email to the people in your life telling them that you are going to do holidays your way this year.
  7. Remember, it is just a few days of craziness and you have survived much worse, you can do this.
  8. Buy something for yourself that is very unlike you. Building your new identity can start as a holiday gift to you.
  9. Above all find a moment to say a prayer for yourself.
  10. And in that prayer ask for what you need not just for the holidays but for every day after that.

This holiday season be true to you.

Even if it means people won’t like you anymore.

You have been through really hard times, who cares what they think.

I am not the most popular person, I don’t pretend to like people, or visit with anyone I don’t really want to see.

Loss has taught us that life is short and we should not be wasting trying to please other people when we are dying inside.

The holiday season, for those who are grieving is like feeling the pain you normally feel times 100. Click To Tweet

Treat yourself to special things, and if it means your special thing is the Hallmark channel, then let that be your companion during this time of the year.

You get to say how it goes, it is hard enough as it is.

With selfish wishes,


PS. WHERE DID YOU GO is here! I can’t believe it.



You are Here to Love Many Times

I know you feel alone.

I know you ask the question will I ever love again?

Our lives after loss can almost feel foreign.

We got stripped away from all that made us who we are.

And we go home every night alone.

The lights are off.

The house unchanged.

You can’t escape what happened here.

You travel back to the loss and forward to what can no longer be.

A lonely time traveler.

But it is not meant to be this way.

Because from the moment we are born we seek love.

We seek to be loved.

To be embraced.

We crave love in everything we do.

We are capable of passionate love.

Love that is timeless.

Love that is beyond mortality.

Beyond the stars.

The moon

and the universe.

But when we lose love, oh my dear beloveds, that divine passionate experience that sent us to the stars and the moon, now throws us down to the earth and buries us under the ground.

And we scream at night.

And we hide our pain during the day.

We loved so much.

We lost even more.

And we rise…we rise again.



We rise forgetting the power of love.

We rise alone.

And we suspend in mid-air with anger as our fuel.

With hurt as our engine.

With love as a distant memory.

And sometimes we die without finding somebody to love again.

Because we have been told there is only one love, one soulmate.

But if our heart could speak to us, it would tell us…I am here to love many times. Even for a few seconds. Just to see the moon and the stars again. (Click Here to Tweet!)

I know it is not easy to do, but we are meant to experience love in plural.

With many loves,


PS. Click here to order the Where Did You Go? book.

Have a Meaningful Thanksgiving

I find daily life that is made of anything but meaning, pointless.

Books that deal with drama, uninteresting.

Gatherings that have superficial conversations, waste of time.

And at this juncture I always add, especially for those of us who have endured loss.

The time we spend in the nothingness of routine can actually put us in depression.

Maybe one of the reasons the holiday season is hard for us is because of the meaningless hours we spend sitting together with people who choose to interact superficially.

Avoiding eye contact. Feelings.

But stay in discussions on politics, celebrity gossip, things that have no life in them.

And there you are, across the room, with heart full of meaning and emotion listening to them, wanting to scream and run out the door.

It may feel as if everyone is asleep while you have no choice but to be awake.

It can feel as if language is made of constant noise.

And this is why I will not say have a happy Thanksgiving.

I will though say have a meaningful one.

Seek a real conversation with someone today. Whether it’s on text. In person. At dinner. With your pet. With a character on television. An imaginary one. With yourself. (Click Here to Tweet!)

Write about what matters to you in a journal if you are alone.

Watch a movie that moves you.

Shut down anything that is out of alignment.

Just give thanks to the moments that are made of truth.

Even if it is truth that hurts.

Meaningless noise doesn’t remove pain, it adds to it.

An invitation to a Thanksgiving dinner made of small talk can break you.

Instead just say thanks to anyone who looks you in the eyes today.

Even if it is a stranger at the coffee shop.

Another person sitting in the car next to yours.

You see, you are not alone in your quest for meaning today, millions of people feel more alone today than any other day.

Let’s change that, together.

With hope,


PS. 27 days until Where Did You Go is in all of our lives.


Beyond Here

Forgive me for lately, I have been seeking the unseekable.

The unseen.

The very hard to find.

Seeking the answers to the bigger questions.

Sometimes I get mad with the world.

How dare we not ask these questions.

How dare we close our eyes and go to sleep without wanting to know.

Why are we made this way?

Who made us?

Where were we before we were here?

And where the heck are we going after?

Why do we think the same darn thoughts every morning?

Where do we go when we are asleep?

What is the energy that surrounds us?

Why is earth hanging in the middle of darkness, infinite darkness?

Why is it that people can remember past lives?

Why do people who come back after they have died talk about joy, bliss, and knowing.

Where is that place?

What happens after we are gone from here?

Why do we spend our lives gossiping about silly things in the news instead of seeking to find ourselves?

Did you know there is evidence to suggest that our world is a projection from a different reality.

And as I am writing this, I am thinking about you, my beloved reader.

Will you dismiss this?

Will you not bother reading the rest of the letter?

But this is the chance I have to take.

What if death is not real in the other dimensions that exist beyond this one?

And don’t ever think that this is the only dimension. It isn’t.

Everything you are, think, believe, understand is connected to a reality you can’t see.

When unexplained things happen, it is not that we can’t explain them.  We just can’t explain them within the parameters of this reality. (Click Here to Tweet!)

But they can be explained if we look at our experience from the holographic model.

It implies that what we see around us is an illusion, a projection coming to us from a different place.

Where is that place?

You see, when we find our way to that place, there will be more understanding.

It is possible that objective reality is a creation of the human brain.

The brain analyzes the frequency and energy we are surrounded by, giving us a simple projection from that analysis.

Why am I talking about this?

Isn’t one reality enough for us to get through.

Aren’t we broken enough, hurt enough from just this?

Why even go there, and ask these questions.

But what if what lies beyond this, makes everything less heartbreaking?

What if the reality we cannot see has in it everyone we lost?

That we are never without them.

With footsteps on the edge of life,


PS. Order Where Did You Go:


Writing from the Roller Coaster

Maybe I will stay inside the ups and downs.

The highs and lows.

After all, the roller coaster makes you a good writer.

Did you know?

It makes you brave.

It makes your hair look crazy too. :)

Your heart beats as if there are two hearts inside of you.

You don’t have time for any kind of small talk.

And you hold on tight.

No drama.

Just lots of back and forth between low and high.

Between grief and love.

Yes and no.

Risk and safety.

But that is when so many people leave the roller coaster.

They are done with it all.

The highs are not worth the lows.

Love is not worth the grief.

Having two heartbeats instead of one takes its toll.

But for those of us who stay, find themselves in the most beautiful skies.

Flying in and out of clouds.

Breathing in the crisp air.

And yes finding ourselves inside the very low places too.

When there, we check in with our soul.

Learn. Process. Feel. And write.

Oh the writing from the lows is magnificent.

I am writing you from there today.

Just experienced rejection back to back.

Basically double low.

Low. Low.

Loss. Loss.

Rejection. Rejection.

When the roller coaster stays down low for longer than normal the heartbeats also slow down, almost as if they are gone.

You find yourself inside the low but also inside the silence.

And when there is only one low and not a double one, the silence doesn’t have time to arrive. Inside the silence you have a chance to find yourself.

You see, you can’t find yourself inside the highs. It’s too wild.

Your mind is too busy thinking about the greatness of the high.

Everyone is cheering you.

And you may even forget your humility. Your mortality.

And your high risk of loss.

Who would I ever be without my roller coaster?

Certainly not a writer.

Not a helper.

I think I would have good hair though. :)

And I would fit in.

Fitting in is not part of our life after loss. Tragedy makes us stand out, whether we like it or not. (Click Here to Tweet!)

With love to all of my roller coaster riders,


P.S. Order the Where Did You Go? book here:

Don’t Get on the Anniversary Train

I have been writing to you for many years and I have never written about what to do with the anniversaries of loss.

A wonderful woman reached out to me yesterday and asked me if I would write about this.

So here it goes.

Anniversaries of loss feel like a big train approaching the platform.

Heavy, noisy. Old. Loud.

And you can hear it coming for a while.

You know it’s arriving at a specific time, on schedule.

And you are supposed to get on it.

Ride that train for the day.

Ride its heaviness.

This train is slow.

It takes forever to get to the destination of tomorrow.

But you feel there is no other way to get to the next day but ride the train of the anniversary of your loss.

It is not a birthday.

It is simply a death day.

I am so very sorry to call it with its own name.

I remember riding that train during the first few anniversaries.

Honestly I was nauseous.

Everything came back.

The ICU.

The last tragic days.

The oxygen masks.

My little girls saying goodbye to their dad.

I mean.. talk about torture.

Bring out the knives.

That anniversary train was not fun.

It was all about the death day.

And not about the man I was in love with away from the hospital beds, the morphine and the pain.

It had nothing to do with honoring him.

Nothing at all.

I was honoring death every time I took the anniversary train.

So 2 anniversaries later the train was approaching…my date is July 21st.

And I am standing at the platform.

I can hear it arriving. Heavy, loud. Slow.

And all the death memories were flashing before my eyes even before my boarding.

I had to ask myself is this what I have to go through every single year and is this remembering him?

The answer was a big loud NO.Louder than the train.

I left the platform and ran.

Ran away from the anniversary train.

Where did I go instead?

I went to the beach.

I went to the places we visited.

I talked about him to people who never knew him.

I smiled when I said his name.

Yes it is sad.

Yes there are tears.

Yes it sucks.

I am sorry there is no way around this.

Your heart will fill heavy.

But don’t get on the death day train.

Run away and find the sky, the moon, the sea.

The memories. The journey. The celebration.

On his birthday we would go and sing to his grave.

We would bring breakfast and sit there and sing, and the girls would dance.

They would say. Are you 1, are you 2, are you 3 are you 4…. All the way to his new age.

In a few days he would have been 43, and then in a few days after that he would be gone for 8 years.

The train does not visit me anymore.

There is nobody waiting on the platform.

From where I am standing those anniversaries are excuses to celebrate the life of the man who is the father

of my kids.

The man who taught me how to be a warrior through his 4 year battle with the beastpeople call cancer.

The man who showed me how much he loved life and how much he did not want to say goodbye to his


Yes its sad, and unfair and not what happens to most 35 year olds but that stream of thought takes meback to the train.

And that is not where he would want me to be.

He said to me once. “Christina look at the big picture. The first couple of years will be tough but after that

you have to make sure you get to live.”

If he knew about the anniversary train, he would smile and shake his head and say it is not where I live.

It is not where my legacy is.

My legacy is inside of you.

And in the lives of my girls.

Go. Go. Go. Remember me, but don’t get on that train.

I am going to ask you the same.

Don’t get on that train, it doesn’t really go anywhere and:

Healing only lives in celebrating the lives of the ones we have lost, not how they died. (Click to Tweet!)

With love,


P.S. Make sure you have a copy of my new book Where Did You Go?