Heartbreak is tiring. Exhausting.
Consuming. Deeply confusing.
It is hard to understand.
You will often wonder why certain things have to happen.
Especially if you are a good person going about your day, expecting the best and doing your best.
It will be the most heartbreaking for the good hearted ones.
The lovers. The givers.
I am easily heart broken.
I live in a constant invisible fragile state, especially when I am with other humans.
It feels like walking through a battlefield with bombs ready to detonate.
When my heart breaks it screams. It rolls in the mud.
It throws itself into the big ocean.
It becomes a tsunami that doesn’t end.
An immortal fire.
It screams like a newborn.
I really don’t know anything anymore.
Life will surprise you and then it will change you.
It will kick you and then it will teach you how to tend to your wound.
It will hang you upside down and drop you on your head.
It will shock you and then make you forget.
It will put you to bed only to wake you up with the loudest alarm.
And all of this will come at you from every part of your life.
Even the safe parts.
The parts you didn’t expect to hurt you.
Those parts will break you the most.
Because you could have never seen it coming.
You would have bet your life on its loyalty to you.
But loyalty is a very rare value.
Almost an endangered species.
Because of that, I have built inner worlds with resting spaces.
I have replaced loneliness with solitude.
Venting with writing.
And loyalty loss, with personal integrity.
The more time on the battlefield, the more certain I am about myself.
As you are reading this, I am on the long flight to Athens where my sister picks me up to drive me to my parents home. It is time for me to go back for a while.
To close my eyes.
I will also take a three week pause from writing Friday’s letter.
So I can be immersed in the experience of my one and only family.
Where unconditional love and everlasting loyalty is still there.
I hope you spend the last few days of summer with the people who love you and if that is not available, may you build worlds inside yourself that are safe, loving and loyal to you.
Being loyal to ourselves may be the hardest thing of all.
See you back here in 3 weeks.
With a beautiful breeze on my hair and a knowing about who I am that can never be shaken.
Christina
P.S If you haven’t read all the past letters, they live here.
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