An Old Bag That Was Left In The Attic
Lately I have been loving life more.
I am putting my arms around her, every second of the day.
I tell her about my feelings.
And never let go.
I haven’t felt like this since 2003.
Oh I know.
I know, it’s been a while.
It’s been since the week he was diagnosed.
I stopped loving life then.
The air was taken from my lungs.
The water out of my body.
And even though I thought I had found a way to put it back in.
There was no real air or water, just impostors.
Impostors called, work and speed with some life in the mix.
Until a few weeks ago.
I was so used to carrying the heavy things, that I forgot that I was carrying them.
I was so used to life being hard that I had forgotten that it could be easy.
It was almost as if I forgot I was alive.
And now, today, this moment, I can even feel my fingertips typing this to you.
I sense your presence reading this letter.
I am listening to the soundtrack of The Notebook.
And everything has completely slowed down.
My heart started to feel deep things again.
So here is what I learned.
Life Reentry has many levels.
The most life infused levels take a long time to get to.
It is as if I just entered a different stage of living after loss.
How does this Life Reentry look like?
It looks like I have time to take it all in again.
To stretch moments out so they feel like eternity.
To love everyone without fear of losing them.
The load fell off and is now in many pieces laying on the ground.
They had lost their significance.
They didn’t even look like they belonged to me.
The load had expired a long time ago and I did not know.
Did I lose time? Yes, I did.
Should I have dropped the load a long time ago? Yes I should have.
But..no regrets.
My long road load carrying has helped so many people along the way.
And for that I am grateful.
Now, I hope that the way I put my arms around life will also inspire you.
Help you to drop your load also, and never look back.
With life wrapped around me,
Christina
P.S. COME BE WITH ME AT OMEGA for 5 days deeply re-entering. Tickets and lodging are going fast. REGISTER HERE: https://www.eomega.org/workshops/life-reentry-after-loss
You Will Always Be Alive
You may ask
What does grief have to do with physics?
What does it have to do with science?
I mean, come on Christina.
My heart is broken.
Shattered.
And you are talking about particles and atoms.
Other dimensions.
The Universe.
Have you lost your mind?
What about the real things?
What about the Bible?
My lonely nights, sleeping in an empty bed.
Did you know I wake up and I don’t want to be alive anymore?
I don’t even want to leave my house and go to work.
I can’t take care of my kids.
Why are you trying to turn things upside down?
Aren’t we already confused?
Go back and talk about real things I can understand.
I can do something with.
Do you see my point?
I see dear friend, I see it.
And I was where you are.
I was screaming and yelling at night.
And if someone told me that death is not real, that we are always alive and that we can even make new memories with someone we lost,
I would have thrown them out of my house.
I would have told them that they are crazy.
That I believe in a God that is biblical only.
That the so called Afterlife is for those who are desperate to believe.
But before you stop reading let me say this to you.
What you get to see in these words is a glimpse of a world that is much more kind and beautiful and above all, timeless.
This world still holds all the people we lost.
And if that is true then the bed at night is a little different.
Daily chores may have a little bit of stardust on them.
Grief doesn’t have to last forever. Just love.
And we spend more time opening the door to a bigger reality vs. a tiny one.
And just like one of my favorite scientists says which I also share in my new book Where Did You Go?
“Time doesn’t exist...it’s simply impossible to go anywhere.
At death, we finally reach the imagined borders of ourselves.” -Robert Lanza
(Click to tweet!)
With no time,
Christina
P.S. I do hope Where Did You Go? Has found its way to you.
Is Your Sadness Called Eiffel or Ocean?
I realized lately that we have two different types of sadness.
Both are hard.
But one of them is deeply hidden.
Even for the smartest, most aware and strong people.
I guess, especially for them.
And because of that, it is the most dangerous one.
Finding the source of this kind of sadness can be a very complex endeavor.
Most people can’t figure out what makes them deeply sad, for so long.
Especially sadness that is hidden.
Under rocks and inside oceans.
So far down that it moves the water...under the water.
A systemic sadness can linger under surface.
Forever.
For never to be seen.
I had this type of sadness.
And I dismissed it because I have had sadness that brings waves to the surface as tall as the Eiffel Tower.
“Surely” I said to myself “the Eiffel sadness is more real than the deep ocean one.”
But I learned something lately.
Both could wipe you out.
Ocean sadness takes you slowly.
Eiffel sadness instantly.
I had become such an expert on Eiffel that when I experienced the ocean sadness I was able to be with it and still live fully.
My skills of the Eiffel had made me so good at the deep ocean.
I had more time to tend to it.
It felt like I could be in charge of it.
And I was.
I really was.
Until one day the deep ocean sadness rose so high up that it started to feel like Eiffel.
It could no longer stay in deep waters.
I knew then I had to do something.
And I maneuvered everything in my life. So I could save it.
I am here today to ask you, is your sadness the ocean type too?
How can you tell?
Even if your sadness started as an Eiffel due to a traumatic event, when it never goes away and you learn to live with it, it becomes the deep ocean sadness.
Do not overlook this type of sadness.
It can be very dangerous because we don’t see its height.
Its strength.
And for those of you who never had the Eiffel, you can have the deep ocean one without a big traumatic event in your life.
So don’t you dismiss it.
This is how we lose people.
We lose strong beautiful people when they underestimate the deep ocean systemic form of sadness.
Rule number one.
This is your soul trying to save your life.
With so much listening,
Christina
P.S. Watch my new interview with my friend Allison Maslan here:
Video: https://bit.ly/2txIwQX
Podcast: https://apple.co/2EoGyIS
PPS. If you live in Arizona come hang with me at Changing Hands Bookstore on March 8th. RSVP here: https://bit.ly/2tyYqu5
Change Does Not Feel Like Breaking Bread
Change does not feel like breaking bread. Nope.
It does not feel like chopping wood either.
It is not like swimming.
Or running. Or even climbing.
Nope none of these. However hard some of them are.
Change is so much harder.
It feels like learning to walk on water.
Learning to fly without wings.
It feels like being scared to go out in the dark and having to go out regardless.
It’s like having to walk into a haunted house and there is nobody walking in with you.
Should I go on?
I think you get the feeling.
Even though the word change is not a synonym of darkness or haunting, or even flying without wings, it might as well be.
At least if someone had told us what change really is, we would not have put it under the self help category.
It would have been the 8th wonder of the world.
Rare. Miraculous. Almost inhuman.
Like the Great Pyramid at Giza and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Because if we knew how hard change is we would prepare accordingly.
We would train for it.
We would find a way to invent wings.
Expecting it to be scary and impossible would have prepared us for the trip.
So since it is never too late. Here it is.
Change is the hardest thing you will ever have to experience. It is like being reborn without getting a new body. (Click to Tweet!)
Having to use the same brain doing something new with the old commands.
It is like asking ourselves to speak a new language without anyone teaching it to us.
So enough with the world talking about change as if we are breaking bread.
We are not.
We are going into the battlefield.
The jungle.
The darkness.
But here is what I am proposing to take with us.
Night vision glasses or in other words, wisdom from before the loss.
Also some people who have been there before.
They know the stakes, and the ghosts that live in the haunted house.
Photo reminders of ourselves as kids.
Diving in the ocean water without holding our breath.
And above all, well, above all the skill of falling down and getting back up again.
You also did that as a kid.
When you got your new body and learned to walk.
You never considered giving up then.
Life is made of moments of change stemming from very difficult losses.
You are born to learn how to change.
And fine, sure, you can also break bread.
But not before you grab those night vision glasses.
My dear friend, I have been writing to you for 8 years and my responsibility has always been to tell you the truth.
I am not a self help author, I am a battlefield warrior with many bodies all in one.
With night vision and breaking bread,
Christina
P.S. On March 8th, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona for a book signing event for Where Did You Go? - for more details, click here.
P.P.S. Hope you have found your way to the Where Did You Go? Book: https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-You-Go-Life-Changing/dp/0062689622
You Have To Stop Fixing What Cannot Be Fixed
It comes like a tsunami.
It forces itself inside your house.
With madness.
You run out your front door.
When the tsunami ends, your house is destroyed.
Your things don’t look like your things anymore.
Your bed is not in your bedroom.
Your kitchen has no food that can be eaten.
You sit and cry on the floor.
You say to yourself I can make this work.
This is better than trying to find a new house.
You spend your days attempting to move the bed back inside the bedroom, but it won’t fit.
Your kitchen appliances have stopped making you dinner and cleaning your dishes.
The tsunami ate them up.
You think you can start doing their job too.
Make dinners from scratch.
Clean every plate, by hand.
By the end of the day you are exhausted and your bed is still in the hallway.
Days go by. Then weeks. Months.
Years for some of us.
And your life inside the house starts to look like the tsunami did.
The destroyer. The chaos keeper.
The end of you.
But this is what it will take.
Complete life destruction to move out.
It takes exhaustion. Pain. Torture.
The daily kind.
And now you know. At last.
You know.
You have to stop fixing what cannot be fixed.
And as you exit the door of your old house.
Heading towards the unknown.
You find the courage to not go back inside.
You find the strength to look away.
Take your first breath and make your way to living once again.
With lots of unknowns,
Christina
The Sea Is Empty of You
I wish I could go back.
Back to the beach,
laughing like drunk fools
getting lost in your eyes
holding each other as if we were immortal.
Like the sea always is
mimicking the waves,
buzzing with love,
mesmerized.
The sunset flaming over us,
luminous,
against your young skin.
Stepping on the sand,
earth mingling, loving
that moment
you were here
breathing the same air,
living all there is to live
without thinking of the end.
Without knowing.
And now, now the sea is empty of you,
unplugged from us
without the breath that brought us together.
But with lastingness
that puts a spell on our heart
extending
the moment that was...
into infinity.
With lastingness,
—Christina
P.S. I hope my new book Where Did You Go? has found you.
The Boxing Ring
Some days it’s like your life is inside a boxing ring.
You are being thrown around.
You can’t get out, or look like you are in pain.
Nobody knows what this really feels like.
They think you can handle it.
But deep down you are hurting.
Fantasizing that you are crawling out of the ring.
Hiding somewhere so life can’t find you, and throw you around.
How long can you stay?
Taking the punches.
Can they see you breaking?
Can you keep going long enough, until the match is over?
Until they are done with you.
You don’t even want to win anymore.
You just want to make it through.
Make it until you are allowed to let go.
Find solace in something.
Offered the band aid.
The fixing of the bruises.
The time to recover.
How long do you have to search the world?
Hidden enough to hold you for a while. (Click to tweet!)
So you can find your way back to believing in a life without a boxing ring.
Where you don’t need to crawl and find the band aid.
Where you have days just breathing the air.
Looking at the sun.
Surrounded by hope for a better life.
With many matches in the ring,
Christina
How To Take Off Your Clothes And Claim Your Destiny
All of a sudden, I found myself in a place without the paralyzing fear I had been feeling.
It was like oxygen in my lungs.
Euphoria. Ecstasy even.
Imagine life without fear.
Even just imagining this, brings you to a deep breath. Yes.
At first it was truly a surprising feeling but I was enjoying it.
And spending my days in this place had been awesome.
But as you know by now, I love to discover how change takes place.
Not only so I can understand my own journey but also so I can help others get there.
What truly takes place just before life changes?
How is any kind of change possible?
Especially for something as important as fear being gone, even if it is a short term experience.
I started to back track my steps.
By the way, today is the one month anniversary of our book, Where Did You Go?
This book has been the most liberating experience for me in this last decade.
As I was driving to work this morning, it hit me. I got it.
I know now why the fear was lifted.
It is as if I took all of my clothes off and ran around naked for a while and life was not so frightening anymore.
You are probably thinking, what in the world is she talking about?
Here she goes again.
But it really is the closest metaphor I can find.
When I came out with my new book which is truly the way I understand reality, ultimately the last piece of the puzzle of life after loss, I felt like I had to be without my clothes in front of a lot of people. Speaking my truth.
In the days prior to the book release I would go to bed at night and be so grateful tomorrow was so far away. 8 hours away. That’s how scared I was.
And look at me now, maybe still standing there without my outfit and being ok with it.
So, here are a few things to remember about fear and how to live without it.
1. Anticipating taking your clothes off may be more scary than actually doing it. Thinking about fear takes much longer time than being afraid. Being afraid is mostly short lived.
3. When you wait in anticipation of fear, the waiting becomes anxiety. Paralysis. Then it moves to shame. Hiding. Forgetting what you were supposed to do to begin with. Amnesia sets in.
4. And who you were supposed to become, becomes someone else’s destiny. Yes, you read right. We can miss out on our destiny. By prolonging the clothes removal. By being afraid to be in our boldness. Destiny needs expression and a vessel to express itself. If you are not going to say yes to it, it will go and find another expresser, carrier. Creator.
5. Destiny is part of the collective to begin with. And it distributes itself accordingly. I remember years ago an interview Elizabeth Gilbert did on the show On Being, where she talks about how she didn’t write a fictional story she was supposed to, and it found its way to someone else. The exact same story. Someone else wrote it. So be sure that you really do want to stay in the waiting room, the hiding, the anticipation of fear. Because your destiny, your plan, your dream, your wish will go to someone else who is ready to go out into the wild and look fear in the eyes.
As for me, I realized that running around naked did not kill me. It gave me my destiny. It made me me. It liberated me. It allowed for all the things I was holding in to be expressed.
With no clothes,
Christina
The Guide To Being Outrageous Before, After And While Grieving
I have to tell you.
I am getting too used to living outside the box. With the minority.
From outside the mainstream. From the corner of the universe.
As a matter of fact, it is kind of fun to say outrageous things.
Shock your friends and family members.
I am enjoying this. More than I ever thought I would.
Imagine discovering that living outside the box is more fun than inside of it.
Oh, my world.
What was I thinking for the last 46 years?
Keeping people happy. Staying in my lane. Pleasing everyone.
And all this time this new existence had been waiting for me.
Destroying the idea of me in other people’s minds has been the most liberating thing I have ever done. (Click to tweet!)
And now that I have done it for a few weeks. Wow. It is freeing. Mind-bending. Healing.
It all started when I had to write the book I didn’t want to write.
Where Did You Go? Took me outside of my box and threw me so far away that I could never find my way back.
This is it. The boxed in life is over.
I put together a little guide for you so you can find your way out of that box of yours also.
Brace yourself.
The Guide To Being Outrageous Before, After And While Grieving.
Yes, you read right. This is a guide for all humans even before they experience tragic reasons to live fully. Enough with waiting to be shaken so much that we have to change our lives only when something terribly bad happens.
Here we go.
1. Are you making too many people happy?
If most people in your life are happy with you there is a very good chance that you are not living your truth. Of course, there are exceptions to this. Just make sure you are the exception. And if that’s the case, good for you. If not, keep reading.
2. Who are you afraid you are going to lose?
Here is a fact for you. The ones who love you, will still love you when you go outside your box. They will recognize you. Follow you out and come with you. The so-called outrageous things you are doing, are not outrageous for them. They are just more parts of you they can love.
3. How much do you really care about yourself?
One of the biggest discoveries I made was that I did not really care about myself much at all. Pleasing other people directly or indirectly makes you the last choice. If, even a choice at all. Once you start to make the top of the ‘pleasing people’ list. You actually start to love yourself. I never thought self-love can come from outrageous actions and fearless choices. I am sitting here shaking my head with this insight. Even depression can lift. Even weight loss can happen. It is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had.
4. Why are you putting yourself and your life on stage?
Fear comes to you when you are worrying about what other people will think of your decision. What will they think about your competency, your abilities? Failure is truly just a stage show. Not a behind-the-scenes experience. We fail in front of people. But we fail ourselves behind-the-scenes. The stage show is the ego’s life, not your soul’s. The soul just wants to express itself in art, science, words, and creations. It doesn’t care what other people will think about its creations. It is about expression, not measurement. I've had some harsh words with my ego lately. I told her to stop. Enough with it all. You see my ego will keep trying to put a box around me wherever I go. I just have to outrun her. And so do you.
5. Is your need to be liked more important than your loyalty to yourself?
I always thought that loss taught me to be myself more. To live life my way. And it did. And I have. But did I really live life completely on my terms? Did I really live the way I deeply needed? Nope. I still needed for everyone to like me. I wanted to be a good friend. The likable teacher. The worthy partner. The intensely present mother. The list is long. When you stop caring about being chosen, being important to others, being worthy of someone’s attention, you die in your old life and you are born in a much bigger one.
Your goals change. Your dreams get updated in an instant. You actually find out who you really are. You say things that surprise you. You do things that shock even you.
You might as well change your name too because if you keep choosing yourself versus the world you become someone else so radically different that the only thing that will stay the same might just be the name you were given.
6. How do you start to live life out of the box?
And if you are wondering how to begin your life out of the box, here is what I would say--sit down and list all the things you do for others that you don’t enjoy at all. Not the things you do to pay your bills. Not talking about that. This is not this kind of blog.
This is about the thousands of things you do every day that you don’t enjoy but it keeps you on stage.
A very important distinction.
So, for example:
For your job: List all the things you do every day at the office that you dislike that you do because of how it looks to your boss, to your peers, and to your team. They hold back the dragon in you. I know what you're thinking. The dragon? Yes, the dragon.
This is about living outrageously and boldly, not about just being happy and content. You have a dragon inside of you that has been held back because you think if he/she is let loose the stage will be messed up and everyone will think you've lost your mind. Make a mess. They will recover. It is your life. Not theirs.
For your home: If you live in a house you don’t enjoy but worry what your kids, your partner, your friends will think about your move, that goes on your list. Get it sold.
For your relationships: If you are in a relationship that is good enough but doesn’t deeply satisfy you, yup, it goes on your list. When you move out of the relationship box you are freeing two people at once. This is an act of kindness. Yup.
For your closet: If you have clothes in your closet you wear because they fit in with everyone else’s perception of you, it goes on that list. This one might be harder even than the others. You probably don’t even know what kind of clothes you would choose for yourself. It’s been that long.
One last thing for you to remember.
True self-expression is a human act.
Without it, we perish.
Without it, we self destruct.
Without it, we only exist in shadows.
A shadow existence can destroy a whole life. With suicide. With crime. With lack of care for our environment and world. For other humans. For other planets. For other species. Yup. I am going to keep things out of my box.
This is much more important than a blog, or some silly self-help advice.
Stay out of your box, far away from your own shadow. And if you ever find yourself in someone else’s shadow. Run. Run faster than your legs can take you.
My wish for you is that you find your way to days so outrageous that you pinch yourself.
To new friendships with people who like you not because you fit in their life but because they love how they fit in yours.
May you inspire other people’s adventures out into the wild and open seas.
And last but not least, you are born out of an expression of someone else’s quest to choose themselves.
Now it is your turn.
And if you have gone through tragic losses like I have, the longer you wait to step out of the boxes, waiting rooms and shadows, the less you will like yourself.
This is truly the most personal decision you will ever make.
And the only one that can ever save your life.
With outrageousness,
Christina
P.S. Grab my new book Where Did You Go? and journey with me and many others in our private Where Did You Go? Facebook group. The link is in the resources section of the book. See you all there. Journeying with all of you to other worlds has been one of the most fulfilling and outrageous experiences of my life. You don’t know how much this new book has saved my life. https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-You-Go-Life-Changing/dp/0062689622
All the things that Mary Poppins is teaching us
I saw Mary Poppins Returns movie trailer appearing every day as I was getting ready for the release of Where Did You Go?
But I never put the two together.
How could have I known?
How could I have foreseen such a thing?
That they were not only being released at the exact same time, but that people from all over the world would write to tell me how many parallels they have been finding between the book and the movie.
The joy and excitement that was shared in these messages was palpable.
The connections were indeed many, and some quite extraordinary, all the way to the yellow rubber ducky. For those reading the book you know what I mean.
One thing that I learned in the last few weeks is that there are some things that are so beautifully divine and profound that we just sit back in awe of it all.
Today’s letter is about all the things that Mary Poppins has always been teaching us.
And as it happens Where Did You Go? Also.
1. Mary Poppins: Anything can happen if you let it.
Understanding the dynamic between you and the world around you is a fundamental part of your journey ahead. Acknowledging that you are both the observer and creator of your world will allow you to let incredible and magical things happen in your life. Miracles left and right. Abundance of synchronicities daily. Anything can happen, really. From the lottery win to your dream job. To a life after loss that is beyond anything you can imagine.
2. Georgie Banks: I miss mother. Jack: If ever I lose my way, I just look up.
The key here is that we seek guidance and wisdom from those we lost. They are there to guide us in their own way. A way we can only recognize. Ask for their help when you need it. You are never alone. Missing them is remembering them. Missing them is them letting us know that love transcends time and space. (Click to tweet!)
3. Annabel Banks: Everything is possible. Mary Poppins: Even the impossible.
There is only one way to make something impossible. Seeing it as impossible. Everything you see is a subjective experience. Everything that exists in your life is your version of reality. When we remove ourselves from this life and go further out and see everything from our higher self or as I call it in the book Superwatcher Self we are able to observe that the structure of our reality is not fixed. It can be changed to include impossible things. I struggled with this concept for the longest time. And when I slowly started making my seemingly impossible dreams come true then my reality started to change with it.
4. Jane Banks: Are you sure this is quite safe? Mary Poppins: Not in the slightest. Ready! Off we go.
Our brain will tell us how unsafe it is to believe in a new reality. It will first try to tell you, that you are a fool. People will laugh at you. Make fun of you. You will lose your credibility, your friends if you tell them that we never die. That we can change our life if we believe in the impossible. That last one, they will call it wishful thinking. Then if you keep going, they will tell you that it is dangerous to believe in such things. To live your life from a place of miracles, divinity and seeing the unseen. They will also tell you that the unseen hides danger. You see, all of these are beliefs that are constructed by us to keep us inside boundaries.
We have to start the journey not knowing if it is safe, or real. We have to trust something inside of us so we can begin.
And maybe just maybe we can change the things we are afraid of. I am not saying we can go as far as to remove fear and loss. But we can bring in more good things.
5. Mary Poppins: Open different doors. You might find a you there that you never knew was yours.
There are so many different versions of you. And me. And everyone you meet. Your story has many versions. Versions that exist at the same exact time. There is a place within us that can open different doors, choose different stories and walk different paths. Don’t be misled by the reality in front of you that tells you there is no door. No other way. There are indeed infinite ways. Infinite doors.
Even those who have never experienced anything profound, deep down they know the truth about our reality. The truth of our reality lives in movies, novels, stories on the big and small screen. Even if we try to live our days without magic and wonder it will spill through in other ways. You see, it is inside the collective consciousness. The truth can never be hidden.
If you haven’t seen the movie go see it.
If you haven’t read my new book go read it.
And if you don’t do either I have no doubt that you will experience miracles that will make you question everything.
Until next week, enjoy looking for the place where lost things go.
It is where we come from and where we return to. It is home.
Always has been and always will be.
With wonder,
Christina
P.S. Where Did You Go? is now available, click here to order.