It has taken me over 13 years to feel a longer lasting sense of happiness.
You might want to yell out but Christina, that’s too long of a journey.
And I will say that is the good side of life after loss.
Not many of us ever make it back to a happy life.
You see, after a traumatic loss when we feel happiness again, it comes in short bursts.
You may have a minute of feeling good.
And then back to feeling sad.
As time goes by, you may experience feeling good for a whole day.
A few years in, you could have a good week.
What I noticed from my own life was that I never really felt good for a long period of time.
Longer than a few hours. Longer than a day.
I was being chased by so many demons born by trauma.
And they were complex demons.
Demons nobody mentioned.
No support groups. No friends. No books.
Nobody really talked about the unspoken way of living after loss.
It was almost as if I could never catch my breath.
Or fully exhale.
I kept trying different ways to live life.
Build new homes. New relationships.
New skills. New identities. And they were all needed.
They were a part of learning how to live again.
As long as I was not going to give up.
Or stop hoping for a full exhale.
I would finally get here.
And I did a few weeks ago.
I started to notice that the heavy weight I was carrying inside my chest especially in the mornings was lessened.
I felt lighter.
Things that felt difficult before, were not so difficult anymore.
I had less panic attacks.
Less heart palpitations.
And less emotional eating.
And yes I noticed. Something had indeed changed.
Finally this last reentry brought with it a sense of peace.
I wish I could tell you I got here earlier.
But, it is better late than never.
Many people never find long lasting happiness after loss.
For those who make it, you just witnessed a miracle. (Click to tweet!)
If you are still carrying the burden in your chest just like I was for so long, keep going.
Keep rebuilding.
Changing things up.
Until you notice happiness staying longer and longer.
Until everyday life is not so hard anymore.
When you go to bed at night and you can’t wait for tomorrow morning to come.
When you want to go out and have fun instead of staying in, alone.
It may have taken me a long time to get here, but I am grateful to make it here after all.
With a longer lasting happiness,
Christina
I understand the difficulty, and the challenge. You speak the truth about no one knowing how to help you understand this new life after, my hushed transitioned 6 years ago, we still have some more work to do.
I put my energy into helping others. I wrote a book My Daddy Angels. It is for moms who have children and need a special tool to help comfort their little ones.
I would love to be at your conference .
Christina, thanks so much for this post. It makes my heart happy to hear that despite a lengthy and difficult process, you are more at peace with your life finally, and on a more on going basis.
I m very, very early on in the process but its a good description of the day to day, week to week, “struggle” in the body, mind and emotions. I ve thought to myself a few times recently, Whatever you Resist gets Stronger, whatever you Accept/Welcome you take the strength and the teeth out of it. Maybe I should Accept the Experience like it s a GIFT, like I m a CHOSEN ONE, and see what God has in mind. Perhaps what looks and feels like a personal tragedy, is the “Perfect Experience” I m not sure that I m ready to say Thank You quite yet, but time may yet reveal things that I can t understand or anticipate at this moment in time.
I thank you for your writings, absolutely lovely…..