There are two of us inside of me.
Two women. Two voices.
One, reminds me of the woman I used to be.
The other tells me about the woman I am becoming.
I have lived with these two voices for many years now.
I have listened to both every day.
I have acted as if I was both often.
And I must admit to you that I chose the voice from before…. more than the one from ahead.
The woman from before is easier to live with, she stays in more.
She finds doubt in everything therefore it’s better to be indecisive.
The woman ahead of me looks breathtaking, full of confidence and a knowing I have only seen in people I admire. The woman from before is afraid of her often.
She makes sure her voice is loud so the woman from ahead can’t be heard.
A few days ago I realized this dichotomy is not healthy.
After loss we have two true choices.
And a third that I am not recommending but must mention.
Choice 1: To stay behind. Driven by our grief identity.
Choice 2: To go forth, to find our own becoming.
Choice 3: The place in between.
The third choice shows up when you don’t want to stay behind but you also don’t want to march ahead. I learned that staying in between these two voices can drive you towards anxiety and stress.
The third choice is the worst of all.
So if you have chosen the third choice like I did so often please don’t choose it anymore.
The third choice is a big duality experience that will make you feel worse than grief ever did. You won’t know whether you are coming or going.
You will live in constant uncertainty.
Today I am going to ask you to choose.
If you choose to stay back for a little while know that it is not a permanent choice, it is one that can be changed in a few months or even a couple of years.
It is ok to choose the old voice.
And if you choose the voice ahead of you, grab the reigns, hold your breath and let’s do this.
With a lot of becoming,
PS. I published another Star Letter last Tuesday, I so hope you read it here.