Together Forever

Oh life, you are so complex. You give, you take. We ask. You respond. We live. We die. We lose. We cry. We mourn. We re enter. (Click to Tweet!) My daughter is going to college in the fall. She was six when her dad died. Her sister was four. We began a journey together. The three of us. And every night, we would hold hands. And whisper to each other. Together forever. Together forever.…

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When I See You Again

Loss. What a touchy subject. People don’t like to talk about their grief. They like to ignore it and expect the outcome to be like the movies, where life sucks and 2 weeks later it’s all good. Well, news flash. Real life isn’t like that. My brother died on April 27th, 2016. And here’s how it went. You get that phone call. The one that brings you to your knees. The one that stops life as you…

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The Jury Has Made Its Decision

As a widowed person, I sometimes feel as if I’m been convicted of something. Perhaps I did something wrong, and I just don't remember. Being widowed is sort of like having to plead your case, take the Fifth, plead insanity, to a Jury of your “peers”, over and over and over Again.   For some reason, when you become widowed, people seem to think that this gives them the right to give any and…

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But It’s Just Me…

One of my passions in life is helping people understand the significance of eating dinner together at the dinner table. Think about it--there's so much involved: social graces, learning about new foods and how to enjoy them, table manners, pleasant conversation and the small talk about one's day. The benefits are huge for the family--but that's also true even if the table is set just for one. I…

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1 Comment6 Minutes

When Grief Causes Guilt

18 months ago, I didn’t think my friends wanted me to live anymore. Why? Let’s discuss it. Guilt is one of the most commonly experienced emotions of grief and one of the least talked about. In my estimation, guilt is a universal symptom of grief; I’ve never met a griever that didn’t struggle with it in some capacity. Which begs the question – why didn’t someone warn me? Grief-related guilt can be…

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You have always been the storm

My heart was beating almost as if it was everywhere. Not just inside my chest. But inside the two hundred and fifty humans that were waiting to hear me speak. It was on the walls of the conference room. Inside the mic on my blouse. On the stage. Like a storm of heartbeats. That is how scared I was. I walked towards the stage. I started to speak. Word after word. Step after step. I…

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I Stopped Internally Combusting

I stopped it. It was only for a few seconds. A few seconds not being who I had been. The stop, crushed me. The interruption of who I was, brought on panic. I interrupted the force that had kept me going. The engine I installed inside my brain to keep me from losing my mind after loss, was for a few seconds silenced. Void. I started the engine back again, immediately. But these seconds were enough…

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Endings

It was not like any other day. Something was in the air. A heaviness, with no name. A knowing. A goodbye. An Ending. A full stop. And it was known. Nothing could prevent it. Nothing at all. It was coming. Like all endings do. The Ending arrived quietly. Almost like a whisper. “I am here, and I need to end this.” It murmured. “But why do you have to be here Ending?” I asked. “Can’t we have a new…

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Don’t Stand At The Door

I search and search and search. Behind every word I say. After every new decision. I seek to find myself, the self that lives underneath the rubble. Under the invisible losses. And hiding, still. Sometimes I wonder if I lost her completely. But as soon as I do, I see her. I hear her. I feel her presence. She is still there. Standing tall. Waiting for her emergence. You see there is a…

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There is Someone Living in my Attic

Whenever I want to give up, I think of the bold words of Ralph Waldo Emerson “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards” And I want to scream. I am not a coward, God. I am not a coward. I will keep going. Keep knocking on doors. Keep doing the work. Keep making a fool of myself. Falling. Hurting. And I won’t give up. Not even when my legs don’t want to move. Not even when my…

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1 Comment5 Minutes