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Rooted and Gentle Sadness

Here I am, all these years since you died on that heart wrenching spring day, and I miss you. Though the ache is less potent, I have a rooted and gentle sadness. I’m so grateful that our lives came together by the shores of Saddleback Lake, that you had the patience to wait for me to understand how to accept your unconditional love. I wish you could be standing with me, hand in hand, to witness…

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My Wednesdays Are Better Now

Wednesdays became my least favorite day 11 years ago today. This is the first year, May 9th fell on a Wednesday. I hated that day. It was the day that Joe left me and the world stopped turning. Your life changes so much when you lose a spouse. Yes, everyone grieves his loss but my entire life changed that day. I had to grieve losing him but also me. No longer a wife, a widow. No longer a partner,…

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Suck the Marrow

Which is worse, to lose someone you love to a long term illness or to lose someone you love unexpectedly?   This morning I woke up to the news that a local five year old little girl, Avery, had passed away from a tumor in her brain on Mother's Day.  I had been following this family on social media for the last several months. This morning the message read, “Avery went to be with Jesus at 5:15pm…

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Unexpected Gifts in Untidy Packages

We are a few days away from the anniversary of my beloved’s passing. I sensed he was going through a transition and a big change was coming, but I didn’t suspect, at all, it to come from death. He was 45. All our parents are still living. I never dreamed he would die so young. The months before he died, Richard talked about changing directions in his career. He was ready for a big shift. He was…

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I Am The Widow

I'm the widow. I'm the one who is compelled to write this at 4am, after choking on my tears. I'm the one who fell in love with him when I was 14. I'm the one who fought with my parents over seeing him. I'm the one who went to football games, baseball games, softball games, basketball games, and track meets. I'm the one he took to prom. I'm the one who bought a house with him when I was 18, taking…

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Unencrypt

Suicide Post: please read. If you have been personally touched by suicide, know someone who has, or just want to be better educated on the topic- please read. While I’m still processing, I know I have to get some thoughts down in order to keep from overflowing. This past weekend, I volunteered at a camp for kids & young adults who have all lost a parent or sibling to suicide. Many of the…

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Secondary Losses

I knew all about secondary grief long before I knew what to call it. Within a matter of weeks following my primary loss – the death of my wife – the secondary losses started accumulating. I didn’t see them coming. Didn’t know to expect them. I was a frog in a boiling pot, oblivious to the violent and fatal nature of my circumstance. I was a 26-year-old widower. My wife had just died after a…

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The Silver Lining

“I looked right into your eyes last night.  I guess I should say that I stole a look. I wanted to see what your eyes were saying.  I could see joy in them. I could see genuine love in your smile. I looked. I wanted to see hope...and I did.  I'm sending a prayer to your heart right now. Thank you for inspiring me simply by standing tall and living life.” We were two strangers at a mutual friends…

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I Want More Time

I want more time...time with my husband that passed away almost 3 years ago, time with my mom who recently passed away, time with my dad, time with my in-laws, time with my girls, time with family and friends.  I have so many regrets at times that I can barely breathe. I know it is the devil keeping me in the past and blocking me from moving forward. I often let that devil win and dwell in the…

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How It Began

May 25, 2002 - the day before my 45th birthday and 2 days after his 60th.  Moon Phase - full. Weather - clear and warm. We walked along the well-worn path through the woods behind our house with our teenage son. His younger sister was peacefully sleeping on the couch after winning the shot put in a track meet earlier in the day. We sat at our special spot by the river, moonlight shimmering from…

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