The Letter “W”

The letter W – it’s number 23 in the alphabet list. When you hear the letter W mentioned, you might think of Wendy’s Hamburgers. (Maybe that’s just me; I really like to eat). There’s also Willy Wonka, Wonder Woman, Woody Woodpecker, and so many other fun and uplifting things that start with the letter W. However, what I’m writing about, sadly, is not any of those things. I truly wish I was…

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1 Comment7 Minutes

You Aren’t Here

I caught a glimpse at you standing behind me. I didn’t see anyone else. Only you. We were waiting in line to get into a concert venue. I was alone—you were with your best friend. We kept making eye contact. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Everyone’s voices dulled. We were surrounded by a huge crowd…but I could only hear you. I heard your voice. Warm, inviting, deep. Kind. I heard you…

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0 Comments3 Minutes

What’s Next…Again…and Again

I have worked since I was 15 years old. My first job was at a Jewish deli at the mall, and this is where I get my excellent sandwich making skills. It was fun, and like most, this was my first taste of financial freedom. For many years, my mom was a single parent so when it came to "stuff," we (my brother and I) often did without certain "things." No shoes with a swoosh on the sides or alligator…

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0 Comments14 Minutes

Put Your Oxygen Mask Back On

When you lose someone close you to, it can often feel like someone has physically stolen your ability to breathe, eat, sleep -- to go on. Grief comes in many forms, but the universal effect is that a piece of you is missing. Something has changed and getting back on your feet often just doesn’t seem possible. At least, this is exactly how I’ve felt when I’ve lost someone close to me. Perhaps…

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0 Comments8 Minutes

A Year of Grief, Part One

Part One: Just a year ago, I was editing a video for my best friend’s memorial service. It had been just a couple weeks after he died, but it was not real. For the rest of February and March, I was getting blackout drunk every night. Drinking my grief so I couldn’t feel him gone because I wanted to hold on. He was only 30 years old, and I was 25. Thinking from now on we will never be five years…

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1 Comment7 Minutes

A Sense of Awe and Wonder

I had an amazing experience last week. I was packing my vehicle, for the return leg of my solo road trip from Canada to Arizona, where I had been visiting my Aunt. “You must see the Grand Canyon on your way home,” she said. “It’s only a few hours north from here.” North. I was planning to head west, to take the most efficient route home. I had such a long journey ahead of me. Additional days for…

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12 Comments6 Minutes

Confessions of a Widower

When you open my book, Even if You Don't, you’ll find it has four parts. Part One is called The Hand and the Heart, Part Two is The Bend in the Road, Part Three details The War, and Part Four is titled The Gloaming. What you won’t find is Part Five – The Wasteland. But it was once there. And unfortunately, my decision to erase it from the published manuscript does nothing to erase it from…

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0 Comments15 Minutes

When I See You Again

Loss. What a touchy subject. People don’t like to talk about their grief. They like to ignore it and expect the outcome to be like the movies, where life sucks and 2 weeks later it’s all good. Well, news flash. Real life isn’t like that. My brother died on April 27th, 2016. And here’s how it went. You get that phone call. The one that brings you to your knees. The one that stops life as you…

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1 Comment7 Minutes

Call Your Realtor

It is hard. Very hard. So deeply hard that it’s as if the furniture in your house can hurt your body. As if the rug under your feet scratches you as you walk on it. The TV playing in the background sounds like a long commercial. Your clothes feel not yours. You bump into everything. The middle of the night is so long that you can almost feel time walking by in slow motion. Even your cup of…

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1 Comment5 Minutes

No More Pot Luck Dinners and High School Reunions

I don’t remember when it started to happen exactly. But it was around the second year of my loss. I started to get out of social gatherings, events, coffee dates, playdates, picking up the phone. I did that for a while. Then I tried my hardest to become socially normal again. The attempt brought in many failed experiences. I made some new friends, I cared about new relationships and for a…

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4 Comments6 Minutes