“The intention should not be to go and look for love after loss, but to seek to bring yourself back to life.”

– Christina Rasmussen

Ten years later…

We are not looking to create a perfect life after loss... but a life we are proud of. We can never ever go back to the innocence we had before our loss. We can never ever get back the people we lost. And it will never be perfect. Today I share with you my imperfect life close to ten years later.   The Waiting Room The first five years were so hard, I was stuck in the waiting room. I had…

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My Life Began After the Loss of My Husband

My life began after the loss of my husband. Before his passing, I was living my life in a default state. Graduate from college, get married, have kids, make friends, have play dates. My brain was following the life that was determined by the people around me. I am actually ashamed to even say this. I don’t know where I was during those years. Hypnotized by the messed up western society we all…

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How to Redefine Happiness After Loss

I miss my youth, my innocence, the sense that life is unending. You see those days bad things only happened in the movies. Or to other people. I was living life in an immortal vibe where you felt timeless. Your mind was occupied with what your friends said or did. Where to go to college, who to marry, have kids. Health had certainty. You had energy you didn’t know how to use. But this life that…

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You Are Not Here to Stay…

“I will be a wave breaking at the shore alongside thousands of waves.” My husband would say at night during his terminal cancer diagnosis when the thoughts of dying would forcefully climb into his human mind and remind him of his mortality. And I would refuse to be in his mortality. I refused to believe that he would die. My refusal did not bring him hope but an aloneness of his own journey. “I…

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Love Plus Grief Equals Human

I imagined having special wings that would fly me over sadness. Blinders that would shut my eyes so I could not see grief. Ear plugs in my ears so I could not hear loss’s words. Memory loss that would take out all the bad and leave in the good. A magic wand that could make everyone happy. I imagined eradicating the word grief from the dictionary. I imagined humanity without tears. And that’s when…

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You Can See Your Way Out

When I woke in my bed in the dark I had a knowing that there will be many dark nights ahead. Nights dark beyond black. Nights dark beyond the deepest of the dark. Like the inside of the ocean. Like space but darker. That’s what it’s like to be awakened by grief. And when one morning it was light enough to walk away from this darkness... fear held me down. Fear held me prisoner longer than grief…

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Getting Lost Is Necessary for Miracles to Happen

In a few days Second Firsts will be 5 years old. I vividly remember the night I came up with the name. It was 2:00am. I was crying. I was defeated. It had been 18 months after my husband died with two babies sleeping in the next room and the words just landed on me. Second Firsts. In that moment there was an interruption of grief and a glimmer of hope for something greater. I had to come…

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Your New Clock

Imagine a life where you laugh again. Even love again. Imagine this life to be simpler. Elementary. Effortless. Just imagine slowing down, seeing the world go by. Imagine that you are not just older physically, but older emotionally. You know things you didn’t know before. You have awareness you didn’t have. You speak your mind. Every time. You appreciate your surroundings. Even the old chair…

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The Sea Is Empty of You

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the beach, laughing like drunk fools getting lost in your eyes holding each other as if we were immortal like the sea always is mimicking the waves, buzzing with love, mesmerized with each other. The sunset flaming over us, luminous with gold radiant fever against our young skin. Stepping on the sand, mingling with the earth and loving, just loving that moment…

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Look for Someone Like You

And so it begins. Life after loss. It just starts. You wake up the next day and you have to get out of bed. Make dinner for your kids. Brush your teeth. Shower. Take the dog out. Pay the bills. Go to work. Breathe. No wonder some people don’t make it. It is like the ship sails away from the dock and you just have to jump on. There is no bridge to it. Nobody holds your hand. Nobody carries your…

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