“Do whatever you have to, to get through the pain after I am gone.” my husband said to me a few months before he died.
“Whatever it takes.” he said.
“It doesn’t matter what it is you have to do, if it makes you feel better then do it.”
I didn’t always follow his advice but it did help me feel less guilt when my choices after loss were not perfect.
When we lose someone we love, it hurts like hell.
And I don’t know how he knew to tell me this then.
But the pain is so unbearable that we have to do whatever it takes to get through it.
You will make decisions you will regret.
And you will say and do things that you wish you hadn’t.
So what?
When your person vanishes from your existence and your heart is crushed, you have to do whatever you need, to keep on standing. (Click Here to Tweet!)
Don’t be ashamed.
You are still good.
You are just hurting badly.
So I am going to give you a few examples of my “whatever it took.”
And then I want to hear yours.
We will use WIT for short.
Ok here we go.
Some of my WITs:
-I went out on a few dates with someone I didn’t see a future with after he died, but he kept me company on the phone and asked me how my day was.
-I had a few too many glasses of wine the year following his loss.
-I spent more money that I should have on things I didn’t need.
-I didn’t eat for a year or two. Then I ate everything.
The list is long. But you get the picture.
Now it’s your turn.
What are yours?
Write them down, release them from shame and know that you had to do what you had to do to get through.
I will be doing a big post on this on our Facebook page here so everyone can share their WITs. You are not alone in this.
No shame in doing what you have to, to get through your loss.
With life and so many WITs,
Christina
P.S. Do you have a copy of Second Firsts? If not here is where you can grab yours: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Live-Laugh-Again/dp/1401940838/
As my dear husband was dying he told me ” I want you live a happy life”…I try each day but it is a struggle.
In the weeks and months following the death of my boyfriend of a decade my WITS included:
– Smoking too much
– Staying awake all night and sleeping all day to avoid social interactions
– Spending those sleepless nights crying myself into a stupor
– Drinking too much
– Connecting with people who really mattered and who had been in my boat and survived (I wouldn’t have made it without them!)
Somehow I have made it out to the other side and I have learned that every day is a gift; tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, even 20-somethings and now I live my life so much more freely.
Put others first, opened my home to his “family” of origin, jeopardised my financial security, fell for others greed, kept going to events & smiling therefore others assumed I was OK, took my moods out on my mum & dad at times they were only trying to help, sought legal advice early, was rushed to make decisions and did not get to consider all options, reached out to my step daughters mother & expected her to be empathic, reasonable & fair, accepted money from friends.
I did these things to survive the pain amongst all the other things that was being thrown at my. I did these things to survive. I learnt from them. I don’t regret them.
Oh, Christina, those were the same for me. Took requests from FB till I realized they were frauds. Even talked to one on the phone and realized he couldn’t speak English. Wanted to be self sufficient and ordered too much furniture that needed to be assembled than couldn’t follow the directions due to too much booze. I worked long hours so I could send regrets to family and friends gatherings. I isolated and watched mindless TV to fill up my brain. I was a sad state.
WIT…..went into auto pilot, Thanksgiving, decorated for Christmas like always, because he would have wanted me to, because I loved it, smoked too much, ate too much, kept busy. Nine yrs. later have quit smoking, lost weight, moved back to my hometown and am content????????????
I moved from the house we had lived together in for all of our married years. I feel sure she helped me in my choice. I bought a new car, then another and another! Sandra would have had a fit about that!! I have dear friends and family who helped me through the worst times. I was contacted by an ex pupil who has been unbelievably supportive and helpful – 21 years younger, but she has become a very special friend and helped me get my life together. I also got a rescue dog who has been my saviour and companion in my darkest moments.
Oh Christina, I can so relate. My WITS were: signed up for 6 online dating sites simultaneously, went on several “loser” dates out of loneliness, drank far too much and ate too little, allowed my vulnerability to permit way too much generosity with my inheritance, slept too little and shopped to much. It was very pitiful.