I was on the train last night going in to the city to celebrate my friend’s new book, and the ride felt unnaturally long.
It was as if we were traveling thousands of miles.
I have been on that train many times.
The 30 minutes go by so fast normally, but not last night.
It was almost as if I had stepped outside of my life.
Outside of everything.
The struggle. The hurry.
The pursuit of meaning.
The pursuit of something that keeps moving away from you.
You can’t hold it in your hand.
You can never obtain it.
Own it.
After death, divorce, job loss or anything that impacts your whole being, the pursuit of something that will ground you again is relentless.
You seek it every morning.
You look for it in others at work, at home.
You try to find it in yourself.
And it is always fleeting.
Like those butterflies who fly close to your hand but they never stay there.
They always fly away.
Ladybirds though, stay.
Maybe it is ok to enjoy our ladybirds even if we always seek the butterflies.
Even though Life Reentry after loss is at my core being.
And I believe it happens. Many times.
However, I also know that there are some things that are forever lost after a tragic loss.
Innocence.
Happy go lucky feeling.
Laughter without limits.
Dancing without crying.
Loving without fear.
Small talk. (Click to Tweet!)
The list is long to last 100 letters. But I think you know this.
And you might be thinking, but Christina aren’t you supposed to cheer us up?
Tell us don’t worry one day things will be better.
No I am not.
I am here to tell you that being real with life after loss is how we could get to the butterfly.
How we find meaning again.
How we find ourselves.
How we could consider loving without fear of losing.
Sugar coating life after loss keeps people in the Waiting Room.
Knowing the dangers, the pitfalls, the heartbreaks leads to freedom and true life reentry.
What did you feel like you lost forever?
Say it. Write it. Then let it go.
It is ok if we can never find our way back to that carefree person, she/he doesn’t live inside of us anymore.
I am ok with that.
Ladybirds are also beautiful.
With many ladybirds and some butterflies too,
Christina
PS. My dear friend Kristine Carlson wrote this extraordinary book about the hero’s journey after loss. I hope you grab your copy today here.
I am all too aware about the fleeting nature of things. My first Spring after Bruce died I looked forward to the lilacs blooming, and they did and they went, all so quickly. Now the Austrian Copper Rose (our anniversary planting 20 years ago) has bloomed and the petals are falling. Funny I never noticed that the petals are heart shaped. His message of love to me. Now there will be rose hips and rose hip tea, the cycle continues. I can still smell the honeysuckle blossoms and yearn for the peaceful flowing of water on our angel water feature, that ran for one day and then the angel fell over. Nothing was hopelessly broken and can be fixed but I’ll have to wait until the weekend for my “fixer upper man”. By then the roses will have all blown away. I was blessed with my husband for 40 years and it wasn’t enough – I want him back, desperately. I have his ashes upon my dresser with a rosary and the blessed virgin overlooking. I do not know what to do with the ashes. I am 7 months into my grief. Last night I attended our local guitar jam and i played with the guys and one other lady for two hours. We laughed and shared many things. I feel bonding going on there. This morning I woke as usual with a heavy heart. I got up fed the cats and am now enjoying my cup of coffee in bed while the sun is rising and twinkling one the tree tops. I am alone, but I am not lonely. I don’t know how to explain that. The solemnity of being alone at this time is a peace in itself. And, I can leave the house to commune with others whenever I choose. The humming birds came and went too – where did they go, where did my Bruce go. I guess we’ll just have to trust and be happy with what is. I’ve discovered there is always something to be aware of if we look…. a gift from God, a small blessing like the petals that have fallen in the shape of hearts.