A couple of weeks ago, one of the leaders in my support group was giving out handouts for that week’s chapter. As I was reading them, I came to a part that made me cringe and want to cry out “this sentence is grammatically incorrect.” I refrained, as that would have been very inappropriate. However, each time I looked at it, the urge to let them know there was an error was ever-present. I don’t know if I was having a bad day, but my attention just wasn’t there that week.
One thing that my husband and I never had a problem with was having our own space. He always thought it was great if I wanted to have lunch with a girlfriend, grab a coffee while out, or catch a movie. He preferred staying in, so it was OK by him. Due to his illness, we spent a lot of time together, so I think he was glad I had friends to do “girl stuff” with. As I sat in class that evening, I realized I didn’t want to be there. This was a group I joined because I felt it might help me heal from the loss of my husband. I never wanted to be in a group like this, and honestly, never thought I’d be in one. I was thinking on Tuesday night for the next ¼ of a year I would be in this place with others who were also trying to make some sense out of what happened in their life. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for these groups and the people who take time out of their own lives to lead them. They are true blessings.
It’s just that this was not a group I would have picked if I’d had a choice.
I thought to myself before the unspeakable occurred, this could be any Tuesday night when a friend might have called and said “let’s go get some Mexican food (I do live in Texas) and a margarita.” There would probably be some show on TV my husband, Paul, would be itching to watch that I wasn’t interested in. It would be a great night to go out and catch up with the girls, laugh, and have that margarita. (Just one because I’m a lightweight) Now I’d prefer to be next to him watching some show about ghosts or hearing about Abraham Lincoln’s life for the 100th time instead of learning how to grieve.
I never really thought I was taking the time we had together for granted, but in reality I guess I was.
I know a group like this is for my own good and I will be glad I attended. I hope to look back and find it was something that helped me on this journey.
Irritating things are pretty normal in marriage, as most couples can attest to. They are so dearly missed now. It gets very hot in Texas, and Paul could not tolerate the heat. You might be thinking “well, why does she live in Texas?” I don’t have an answer for that. Anyway, when we were driving somewhere together, he’d have the A/C on so high I’d have to have a sweater with me even when it was 100 degrees outside. I would love to have to put that sweater on now. Paul’s snoring was louder than the train that runs hourly in the small town where we were living. Many a night I left our bedroom and slept in the guest room or he went to the couch. How comforting it would be to hear that noise again if I was still up, and try to guess if it was the train or my husband.
As I’m sitting typing this up, I’m in his office. This was to be a room for him to work in if he went on disability. I look around and he is everywhere. When he passed I decided to make it “our” office. I’ve put some of my own things with his stuff. In doing this I feel close to him. I have been told it’s not healthy to make a shrine to your loved one, as that prevents healing. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m doing what I feel will keep me somewhat sane as I try to get through to the next day. Looking around this room I think how strange it is that it’s me working here instead of him. In baseball terminology, life sure threw a curveball my way. It almost knocked me out, but I’m trying to pick up the bat again and strive for a home run.
Much love, and let’s all try to keep swinging.
Sugar, instead of salt around my drink, please.
Hugs,
Ronda
My name is Ronda Dell’Ario, and I am a wannabe writer. I love reading, dancing, baking, and sleeping. I am a news and weather junkie. I love all things British and anything chocolate. I have written over 150 trivia quizzes for an online trivia site, as well as the lyrics for three songs I hope to get recorded. I also am a Texas girl, through and through!
OMG, this struck such a chord with me! The things we took for granted….. I so wish I could go back in time. Some days I do so well-and others well, not so much. I miss my husband and tonight feel like I don’t know who I am without him. I miss the “us,” and the “we,” and the inside jokes that felt like our own private language. It’s been a year and a half and I wonder what my future holds. I just try to put one foot in front of the other and move forward the best I can. Sometimes I even have days where I take several steps forward. I’m still waiting for the time when I have more smiles from the memories we made, than tears over those that are no longer possible.